                -(-) KRaD 'ZiNE (-)-
                    -____-_____-
                     iSSUe #016
                     ----------
                            "The only 'zine with all the up-to-date 
                             information on warez, zero-day, and other 
                             elite information you need to know in order 
                             to survive today!"

                K0MpiLaTiOn:  Panther Modern <eleet!>
                                <anon3c31@nyx.cs.du.edu>


*%%%%%%%%* *
% The Revolution
%********% %

        It's upon us, my friends!  The Revolution is finally here.  Yes, 
people have been predicting it for a long time, but did anyone really expect
it?  I'm not quite sure.  But as of today, I witnessed the first signs that
show the coming!

        Yes, I witnessed an insurance salesman walking down the street, going
from door-to-door, trying to sell off his insurance to the unwitting souls 
who are too naive to know better!  The insurance salesman of doom, I call 
him, because I know what he's really up to!  

        They're all in on it.  The insurance salesmen, the environmentalists,
and those goddamn kows (see later this issue).  They're forming their own
agenda for world domination, and no one can stop them.  Except for you.  The
informed, the readers of KRaD.  Yes, as readers of the one up to the minute
information journal that truely informs, you have an edge, my loyal readers.
You, alone, will be able to survive the rigors of the hellish creation which
these horrid underground groups will attempt to create using methods that 
make one cringe at even a thought!  Keep your heads high, my KRaD friends, 
for you will last!  You will strive to create zero-day havens even in the
midst of the anarchic destruction which the revolution will surely bring!

        Now, let me get you up to date.  The insurance companies have been
planning this for years, but it's only coming out into the public eye just
now, thanks to a bit of inside information I received recently.  You will be
the first to know, of course.  

        You see, by selling "homeowner's" insurance, these companies are able
to tap money from the unwitting homeowner that would otherwise remain in the
flow.  However, now that same money is in the hands of the insurance 
salesmen, and their evil groups of demons who plot to destroy you, me, and 
the rest of the world!  In a secret clause, that most people don't even 
notice, placed at clause number 666a. in that large agreement which most 
homeowners don't even bother to read when they buy their insurance, states
that the insurance will actually be used "For the betterment of the earth, by
dictation of the Kow Empire."  

        Yes, the Kows have bought out the insurance salesmen, and they're 
controlling the spending of the insurance money!  By stockpiling secret Kow
weaponry, the Kows are preparing for ultimate war against the human race!

        But wait!   That's not it!  The environmentalists are also evil 
members of the Kow alliance!  They are preserving the methane content in the
environment, such that the Kows' evil plan to destroy the earth will bear
fruit!  Working in secret agreement with the insurance salesmen, these 
environmental destructionists will go to no ends to aid in the Kow Plan!

        Yes, the revolution has begun.  The revolution of the Kows.  We must
act now, my friends, before it's too late.  Hide yourselves, and if you see
a Kow walking down the street, run, find shelter, and get the grill ready.

        Refer, if you will, to the final article in this issue.  It will get
you up-to-date on the Kow takeover, and give you more information about what
to do in case of Kattle.  

        And remember.  Never lose faith in the Zero-Day.
---------------------------------------

        ************************
        ** KRaD Official List **
        ************************

        Yes, it's that time again.  Time for the KRaD Official List, with all
the neeto official information all about the KRaD 'zine.  Fun, eH?

Official KRaD E-Mail Address:

        anon3c31@nyx.cs.du.edu

        Comments:  This very neeto anonymous system let me get on the 
        inforoad after much struggle.  It was very elite, and I thought to 
        myself, "Wow, I'm actually on the Inforoad!"  Suddenly, I realized 
        that the inforoad wasn't as cool as Time Magazine said it was, so I
        got off.  But I kept my email address, just in case.

Official KRaD FTP Site:

        ftp://ftp.fc.net/pub/deadkat/humor/KRaD

        Comments:  During my brief stay on the inforoad, I ran across this
        site, which already had my KRaD 'zine on it!  I asked myself, "Wow, 
        how could he have gotten such a KRaD 'zine onto the inforoad without
        me knowing it?"  Suddenly, it hit me.  The owner of this site is
        *DEAD*!  He's a Dead Kat!  And anyone knows that since Kats have
        nine lives, they can die, go to where they go when they die, then
        come back with elite stuff.  So he must have come back from the dead
        with KRaD 'zine in hand.  That's my explaination, at least.

Official KRaD Web Site:

        http://rmii.com/~dkobey

        Comments:  The inforoad being too complex for the normal Kourrier, 
        David Kobey offered to set me up with a site that all Kourriers could
        congregate at, get the newest 0-day info, and continue in their 
        Kourriering pursuits undaunted.  Of course, I allowed him to do so.

Official KRaD Newsgroup:

        alt.2600 <alt.krad coming soon!>

        Comments:  The Haqurz being the most uneducated of the non-
        Kourriering public, I decided that they required access to the KRaD
        'Zine almost more than the actual Kourriers!  I tracked them down
        through the inforoad, and found several of them on this newsgroup.
        Even though it's been a successful transition from Haqur newsgroup to
        KRaD newsgroup, alt.krad will allow for fully automated KRaD 
        conversation, and the true haqurz can all congregate there from now 
        on.

Official KRaD Bulletin Boards:

        Realm of Chaos 
        ZeitGeist
        Virtual Utopia

Official KRaD Writers and Members List:

        Members:
        -------

        Panther Modern (Editor/Kompiler)
        David Kobey (Publisher)
        Pizza Dude (Associate)
        Inubus (Song Writer)
        King Zero! (Telephony)
        Jer0m3 (ANSi)
        Black EyE-S (Programming)
        Super Elite Man (Insanity)
        War3z-Warri0r-896 (Kewlness)

        Members-Who-Quit:
        ----------------

        Meep (BLEAH!)

        Writers-Who-Aren't-Members:
        --------------------------
        
        The Warez Kid, The Narc, The K0d3z Master, Dah Fantom Koder, The Dewd
        Johnnie, Jether', Trader of 0-day Gamez (But N0t Appz!), The Kewl Guy
        Anonymous, The Power Kourrier, King Elite, Testicular Erektion[303]
        Sergent McGruff <Take a Bite Outta Warez!>, The Village Man
        John Doe #2, The Speler, .ZIP-File Phil, Insekt, Grimm
        The Warez Ranger, Elektr0n, Sister-Lover, Diskette Killer, Infoman
        The Krytik, DarkGuy, Remote Kontrol, Futurist, Sianyde, Thuthan
        Warez Willy, Swamp Ratte'/cDc, Elektriq Head, Antiant, Jim Romary
        TCP, muwt@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu's Friend, The Red Power Ranger, Ty-Rone
---------------------------------------

=============> Peter Johnson Productions Presents <=============
            ------     Penile Enlargement     ------
             ----           Made Easy          ----

        It all started one day when I was looking down into my pants, and I
noticed that there wasn't much there.  I said to myself, "I wish there was
more there!"  I was determined to get more there.

        Looking through the paper, I found an ad for "Penile Enlargement."
"Wow," I said!  I can get an enlargement, and there there will be lots more
down there!  I called the place, but they said that it would cost a few 
thousand dollars, money which I just don't have.  I was still determined, 
however, and I figured that if they can enlarge it, so can I!!

        That's why I've developed the Peter Johnson Method for Penile 
Enlargement Made Easy!  It's simple, easy, and lots of fun!

        I feel that length is the most important facet, so I'll cover that
area first.  I tried many techniques during my experimentation, including:
Pulling really hard with pliers, twisting it around and around trying to make
it get longer, and tying it with a rope to the back of a car and having the
driver accelarate quickly.  None of these seemed to work, however, so I was
forced to develop my own method.  I determined that during sleep, a pully
system must be set up over the bed, with ropes attaching the penis to weights
at the other end of the system.  At first, one should start with 40 lb 
weights, slowly increasing the weight once or twice a week.  I eventually got
to over 400 lbs of weight against my penis, and it's now very streched out!
This is by far the best method possible for penile streching.

        Thickness is, of course, an important factor, so I'll go over how to
increase it next!  The most obvious method, cutting slits in the penis and
stuffing it full of sand, didn't seem to help too much, as the sand kept 
falling out.  I devised a better method, however, which involves placing an
air pump adjacent to the hole in the tip, and pumping up the penis until it
reaches 600 lbs pressure.  Once this is done, a wax seal may be placed on the
tip in order to keep the air from leaking back out.  This method seems to 
work every time, and I would reccomend it.

        As you can see, penile enlargement is very simple, and can be 
conducted by most anyone in the comfort of your own home!  Why pay thousands
when you can have a large penis simply by using a few simple techniques?
-----------------------------------

****(***)****
* KRaD Guides
* Presents:
*************
  ==> The Guide To Keeping Connected During Your Day Outside
       ==> By:  The Intruder

        Everybody knows what the problem is with going on your Day Outside
every month.  It's simple.  No 0-day that day!  You lose track of it for one
day, and your whole trade goes down the drain.  I tried this for a few 
months, but I just couldn't handle it.  Finally, I discovered that even on
my Day Outside, I can keep track of the 0-day with no problem.  The Warez
will still keep coming in, and I can go wherever I want with no worries!  
Yes, I have solved all the problems that any Warez Kourrier could ever feel
during his Day Outside.

        It's very easy, actually.  You won't have to invest too much, and 
your mommy can help you set up your system, such that you'll be able to go
everywhere in the city you want and still keep the Warez flowing!  

        First off, go to the store and buy several miles of the following:

                Electrical Extension Cord
                Phone Cord

        Also, buy lots and lots of duct tape.

        You may want your mommy to buy it, so that you don't have to waste a
Day Outside doing so.  But either way, get it somehow, or else you can't get
Warez during your Day Outside!!!!

        Okay, now that you have that stuff, your first move is to pick up
your computer, or have your mommy do it, and strap the box to your back using
lots and lots of duct tape!  Once that's done, strap the monitor to your 
stomach, with the screen pointing upwards.  This will allow you to look right
down at the monitor whenever you want.  Your stomach will also provide a 
nice, large platform for the monitor to rest upon.  Remember to use lots and 
lots and lots and lots of tape!  You don't want anything to fall to the 
ground and break, do you?  That would be really, really, really, really, 
really, really bad.  You see what I'm trying to say?

        You can carry the keyboard in your hand, so that you can use it
whenever you feel the need.  Also, I'd reccomend strapping the modem on top
of your head, using some duct tape, and strapping the tape under your chin.

        The next step is the cords.  This part is easy; All you have to do is
spool them so that when you walk, it will feed out more cord!  You can spool
it all around your arms; The telephone cord on your right arm, and the 
electric cord on your left arm should make it work really really well!  That
way, you can go all over town, and not run out of power, or phone lines!

        Have your mommy stay at home and watch to make sure that no snags get
in the line, and that no problems occur.  That way, everything will be kewl
all day long!

        Just think of the recognition you'll get as you walk down the street,
the only warez Kourrier on the street who's moving warez even as he's walking
along!  People will scream and shout with glee!  You'll be known as the
elitest of the elite every time you go outside (never more than once a 
month)!   Just think of it!  How kewl can you possibly get?!?!?

        Yes, with this solution, anything will be possible.  Fare well, brave
Kourrier, for you are now equipped to handle any situation at all.
--------------------------------------

#$#$#$$$#$#$#
    K0WZ:
   The GNU                 <Please refer to included .GIF for a picture
  ELiTeNeSs                 of a truely elite kow.>
#$#$#$$$#$#$#
 By:  Kattle-Meister


        Talk about elite!  Those kows really know how to do elite stuff all
the time, and it's real kewl!  I've seen so many kows do so much elite stuff,
that I feel kows are more elite than even zero-day kourriers!

        Let me explain myself a bit here.  You may not have seen what I've
seen about the kows.  It's really a sort of inside exploration thing.  You 
have to pay very careful attention to the workings of the kows to understand
what's really happening with them.  You see, the kows are very careful, such
that people don't REALLY know what's going on with them.  I, however, have 
had the luck, perhaps the skill, to see the kows in action, to see who, and
what, they REALLY are.  Yes, kows.  The NEW ELITENESS!

        One day, I was walking down a lonesome country road, when I came upon
a farm full of kows.  Most farms, as you probably know, are full of kows, so
I didn't really think too carefully on the subject, but just kept watching.
The kows were all acting as I thought kows should act:  They were eating, and
mooing, and shitting, just like any other kows would.

        Onwards I walked.  I was a ways down a hill when I realized that I 
had dropped a diskette of mine near the kows by accident while watching them,
so I headed back towards them, in order to get the diskette.  

        The kows, unfortunately for them, didn't see me coming.  They didn't
notice as I snuck up, and saw what kows really are!  Yes, I was able to hide
my surprise, and watch the kows, and see.. For kows, you must understand, are
not what you think they are.  They're not even what I thought they are.  You
must understand.  Kows are the True Eliteness.

        What first tipped me off was the definate lack of mooing as I 
re-approached the kows.  Instead of mooing, there was a low, electronic 
buzzing sound.  Also, I noticed a queer blue light coming up from the middle
of the kow field.  I wondered if, perhaps, the farmer was doing something...
Until I got closer, and found the truth:  Kows are not of the earth, but are
really alien creatures, with an evil vendetta to destroy the human race!

        Instead of standing on all fours, the kows were all on their back 
legs, standing upright, muttering to each other in some strange foreign 
language!  The kows were all standing around in a rough circle, staring into
a floating orb which emitted a bright blue light.. A picture of a kow was in
the middle of the light, and the kow was talking to them.. A message from 
their ALIEN LEADER!

        I listened carefully, and could make out the words "zero-day," 
"warez," and "sodomy" amongst the conversation!   I watched with more intent,
and noticed that they had my diskette!   Suddenly, a loud MOO sounded, and
they all bowed before the diskette, for they knew that it was filled with 
only the newest zero-day warez!  

        This was when I knew I could control these evil aliens.  I approached
them, holding out several other disks, and yelled "ZERO-DAY!"  The kowz 
paniced at having been noticed, but kept their wits about them, and watched
me with caution.  One of them stood out from the rest, and began speaking to
me in broken english!  

        "We want your warez!" the kow told me!  I was awe struck, but managed
to question the kows regarding what they're doing here on Earth, among other
things.  Here's what I found out.

        Kows were sent to Earth eons ago with the intent of destroying the 
human race.   They're very slow animals, however, and they decided to take
their time about doing it.  They decided that they would emit methane very
slowly into the air, until it permeated the air, and then light a match, 
blowing up the earth!  This will take several years yet, so we have time to
act!  Their other method is by allowing humans to eat volunteer members of
their race, such that the humans would become fat and slow, and unable to
fight back against these powerful aliens!   Whenever a kow doesn't follow
Kow-Central (The mothership!) orders, that Kow will be mutalated!  

        This, of course, explained every mystery regarding kows, but still
didn't explain their utterance of "sodomy."  It was soon explained to me,
however, that if a human rapes a kow with enough skill, zero-day will be 
bestowed upon him!  I took this cue, and began raping numerous numbers of 
the kow population on the farm...

        Suddenly, however, the orb lit up again, and the head Kow began 
screaming that the other Kows should kill me!  I ran and ran, never looking
back, and until this day, have not told of my encounter with the Kows to
anyone!

        This is my plea:  We must act now!  We must destroy these evil kows,
before they destroy us!  Their explosive methane emissions will blow up the
earth!  We must not let them kill off the human race, and we must prohibit
the raping of kows before too much Kow zero-day gets spread throughout the
population!  

        You can help.  Don't give zero-day to kows, or anyone who has any
kind of contact with kows.  This especially includes fast-food restaraunt
attendants who will sell you poisoned Kow meat, and are actually agents of
the Kow Frontier for Universal Domination!

        Be careful.  The Kows are out there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
        K3eP mE Up-t0-DaT3 oN DaH KoW HaPP3NiNKz sUcH THaT I kAn KEEp mY
ReAD3rZ inF0rMeD iN DaH NeAR FuTuR3.

                                -- Panther Modern
                                        The Informer
