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 AWAKENINGS: Puritanical Gardens
   by Dave Bealer
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   The Puritans landed at Plymouth Rock in 1620. Although the
 Puritans, who called themselves Pilgrims in a vain attempt to conceal
 their true motives, weren't the first to land in America, their
 influence has been profound. This is rather unfortunate, since the
 Puritans are the most stuck-up, sexually repressed bunch of stiffs
 ever to influence a country. The Puritans came to America to "escape
 persecution" in Europe. In truth, the Europeans counted themselves
 lucky to be rid of them.

   Although no longer a recognized group like the Quakers or the
 Amish, the Puritan influence is still felt every day. Individuals of
 a puritanical nature are commonly found in positions involving thought
 control, like television network censors, members of the Federal
 Communications Commission, and moderators of online conferences. The
 Puritans have been losing ground to the liberals for many years, but
 still score the occasional victory.

   Jocelyn Elders recently lost her job as Surgeon General of
 the United States, primarily because she advocated having the schools
 teach teenagers to masturbate. The Puritanical element of American
 society had a major collective fecal seizure over this proposal. I
 agree with those who vehemently oppose such an effort, but not on
 moral grounds. I feel it would be a colossal waste of scarce
 educational funds. Teaching teenagers to masturbate is about as
 necessary as teaching them to breathe. On the other hand, there are
 adults who would pay big money to see a video tape of the proposed
 class, so it might make a good commercial venture. Get Roman Polanski
 to direct it, and you're almost assured of a runaway hit, at least in
 the U.S.

   The Consumers Union is one of the most conservative groups in the
 United States. A nonprofit organization, Consumers Union (CU) conducts
 independent testing of the safety and reliability of hundreds of
 consumer products. For more than 50 years CONSUMER REPORTS, the monthly
 magazine published by CU, has carried test reports on everything from
 new cars to lawn mowers to ice cream. A good example is the May 1995
 issue, which features reports on running shoes, sunscreens, mutual
 funds, clothes dryers, upscale sedans, and condoms. Condoms?

   It took the AIDS epidemic to overcome America's puritanical
 aversion to publicly admitting the existence of condoms, the primary
 male birth control method. The condom has moved from behind the
 pharmacy counter to the check out aisle of many grocery stores. It
 has changed from being an object of embarrassment and ridicule,
 especially for teenagers, to being an "impulse purchase" item.

   Although not an overt bastion of prudity, CONSUMER REPORTS figured
 to be among the last places to report on sexual health and safety
 devices. I, for one, would have wagered that CONSUMER REPORTS would
 publish test results for automatic assault weapons before it would do
 condoms. I don't know which "taboo item" will next be tested for
 CONSUMER REPORTS, but I suddenly want to volunteer as a product tester
 for Consumers Union. Just don't tell the Puritans.

 Copyright 1995 Dave Bealer, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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