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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 Copyright (C) 1993 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved.  No part of
 this work may be used or reproduced  in any manner whatsoever without written
 permission  from  the  author,  with  the  exception  of  1) brief quotations
 embodied in critical articles or reviews, and 2) the complete, unaltered text
 of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing
 same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used
 or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only.

 'BLACKADDERLON 59'  is an unauthorized  parody of the  'STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE
 NINE',  'BABYLON  5'   and  'BLACKADDER'  television  series.   None  of  the
 individuals or companies associated with these series or with any merchandise
 based upon these series,  nor any real person or company mentioned in 'BLACK-
 ADDERLON 59',  has in any way consented to appear in, approved, sponsored, or
 authorized it.   Any references made to real persons or companies  in 'BLACK-
 ADDERLON 59' are totally fictional, used with satiric intent only, and should
 not be construed as having any resemblance whatsoever to reality.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


                       B L A C K A D D E R L O N   5 9
                       -------------------------------
                    AN UNAUTHORIZED PARODY by Tom Golden

                                  Story #1
                                'EMISSIONARY'
                                by Tom Golden


                  O U R   H Y P O T H E T I C A L   C A S T

                               UNPLUG PERSONNEL

        Admiral-General Lord Flasheart, Stud
         (cameo) ............................. RIK MAYALL (Young Ones/Bl'adder)
        Cmdr. Francis Flasheart, Wimp ........ GRANT SHAUD (Murphy Brown)
        Maj. Adi Tuud, Pejorative ............ SUZIE PLAKSON (Love & War)
        Lt. Cmdr. Edmund Blackadder, Earther . ROWAN ATKINSON (Blackadder)
        Dr. George Cremator, Earther ......... HUGH LAURIE (Blackadder)
        Chief Milo Nobrain, Earther .......... TIM ALLEN (Home Improvement)
        Lt. Justa Duk, Drill
           - Duk, the Hand Puppet Symbiont ... VO 'Barney the Dinosaur'
           - Justa, the Humanoid Host ........ CHRISTINA APPLEGATE (MWC)
        Deputy Garibaldric, Unknown .......... TONY ROBINSON (Blackadder)

                                 AMBASSADORS

        G'Whiz, Yarn Ambassador .............. STEPHEN FRY (Blackadder)
        Deluxx, Cardigan Ambassador .......... MIRANDA RICHARDSON (Blackadder)
        Light Mauve, Orlon Ambassador ........ (Appears via SFX)


                         PEJORATIVE RELIGIOUS PERSONS

        Guy Pacman (cameo) ....................JON LOVITZ (SNL)
        Donee (cameo) .........................DONNY OSMOND (Remember?)
        Guy Edna ..............................DAME EDNA EVEREDGE (Experience)



                           GUIDE TO PRONUNCIATION

                Adi Tuud ..................... AD-uh TOOD
                Deluxx ....................... just like 'deluxe'
                Pejor ........................ puh-JORE
                G'Whiz ....................... gee-WHIZ
                Deluxx ....................... de-LUX
                Guy .......................... rhymes with 'eye'
                Oznabrag ..................... OZ-nuh-brag
                Pyoochh ...................... p-YOU-khh (khh like in chutzpah)
                Aah'ghahd .................... (Author's attempt to construct
                                                a homophone to R. Atkinson's
                                                unique manner of mumbling 'Oh
                                                gawd' in a deadpan, yet higher-
                                                pitched tone of voice to denote
                                                exasperation due to incredulity
                                                or a sudden realization)

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                  COLD OPENING

SPACE -- PEJORATIVE SOLAR SYSTEM

We are floating in space.  A bright red star shines in the distance.

(For background music, use the first 8 notes of Blackadder, arranged
in the manner of 'Star Trek' intro)

An audibly elderly Garibaldric narrates.

VO:GARIBALDRIC  Space.  The biggest, darkest, coldest, biggest place there
                is.  Really.

An empty, discarded tin can moves quickly into view from our left,
appearing to bounce off the camera lens and knocking our POV toward
our right.  We follow the can as it moves away to our right and toward...

SPACE -- EXT. EXPENSIVE SPACE STATION

A majestic, sparkling, really expensive-looking space station.

VO:GARIBALDRIC  This is the story of AVALON 59, the third, er,
                fourth to the last, er, well, it was right up there
                near the end of the AVALON series of SpaceBases
                constructed by the Earth-based federation known
                as the United Planets, Universal and Galactic --
                "UNPLUG".

                AVALON 59 was placed in orbit around the neutral
                planet Pejor.  Pejor was neutral, because the
                Pejoratives were so obnoxious that no government
                wanted to have anything to do with them.  So, this
                was the perfect place for a SpaceBase with the mission
                of fostering better relations among the major powers.

                As the name implies, there were 58 AVALON Space-
                Bases before this one -- they met unfortunate
                or suspicious ends...

SPACE -- EXT. SPACE STATION EXPLODING

VO:GARIBALDRIC  Nineteen were sabotaged by various factions and blew up.

SPACE -- EXT. PARTIALLY BUILT SPACE STATION

A partially completed skeleton of another space station.  A large
billboard keeping station nearby, reads:

                            COMING SOON
                A NEW SPACE BASE AND SHOPPING CENTER
                       FROM EMETIB INDUSTRIES
                         FINANCING BY BCCI

VO:GARIBALDRIC  Fourteen were only partially built and had to be scrapped
                due to contractor overbilling or government cutbacks.
                They were abandoned and stripped clean by galactic
                hoodlums;

INT. SPACECRUISER LOUNGE

A large, plush room.  An alien conducts an auction sale of the
lovely space station visible outside the panoramic, floor-to-ceiling
viewport at the rear of the lounge.

VO:GARIBALDRIC  Eleven were reposessed and sold to speculators by the
                Galactic Resolution Trust Bureaucracy;

SPACE -- EXT. IN ORBIT AROUND EARTH

Earth orbit, literally filled with thousands of satellites, cans,
wrenches, nuts, bolts and several space stations.

VO:GARIBALDRIC  The first nine were built and left in Earth orbit because
                nobody could figure out how to get them to Pejor; the
                third fell out of orbit and rained destruction on Disney
                World, but curiously left the nearby MGM theme park
                unscathed.

SPACE -- EMPTY SPACE

VO:GARIBALDRIC  Four simply disappeared, although one of them was later
                seen in another quadrant, run completely by Elvis clones.
                But that's just a rumor.

SPACE -- EXT. SPACE STATION EXPLODING

VO:GARIBALDRIC  AVALON 42 was destroyed in a collision with an ark
                carrying people calling themselves Golgafrinchams, in
                an incident whose improbability was later described as
                infinite.

SPACE -- EXT. EXPENSIVE SPACE STATION

VO:GARIBALDRIC  AVALON 59.  Light-years of great parking, deck after
                deck of really cool shopping and loads of messy
                intrigue.

SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF BLACKADDER

VO:GARIBALDRIC  Oh yeah, I can't tell you about AVALON 59 without
                mentioning Edmund Blackadder, its security chief.

SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF GEORGE

VO:GARIBALDRIC  And Dr. George Cremator'd get cross if I left him out.
                He was the base doctor.  Y'know, he won Kevorkian Prize
                three years running.

SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF TUUD

VO:GARIBALDRIC  Now, who was she...Oh yeah, Major Adi Tuud.
                She was the Pejorative first officer.  They assigned
                her to AVALON because none of the other Pejoratives
                could stand her -- and that's saying something.

SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF AMBASSADORS G'WHIZ, DELUXX AND LIGHT MAUVE

VO:GARIBALDRIC  The ambassadors from the major alien governments--
                G'Whiz of the Yarn Republic, Deluxx of the Cardigan
                Empire, and Light Mauve of the Orlon Collection...

SPACE -- EXT. EXPENSIVE SPACE STATION

Our POV, which has been moving around the space station, freezes.

VO:GARIBALDRIC  ...and the Professor and Mary Ann.  Oh yeah, and me,
                Garibaldric.  I'm a shapeshifter; been one all my
                life.  When I'm not being shifty, my natural form
                is a kind of gelatin.  I've been told I taste like
                lime with a just a hint of lamb; good thing they
                go together.  My first memory is when someone on
                AVALON rescued me -- they found me drifting...er,
                dripping through the airlock.

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                  ACT I

The camera pulls back to reveal that we have been looking at a
picture of a spacestation hanging on the wall of...

INT.  BLACKADDER'S OFFICE -- MORNING

A functional, though unappealing office with stacks of computer disks
and printouts lying around.  The caption beneath the picture of the
expensive space station reads:

                              AVALON 59
                           ORIGINAL DESIGN
           (BEFORE THE 'BUY EARTHIAN' OVERCHARGING SCANDAL)

Next to it is a photo of the real AVALON 59, looking a lot like a very large
Thermos bottle in orbit and rotating along its central core.

Blackadder sullenly reads security reports.  Without looking to be sure,
he grabs a convenient cup of coffee and takes a sip.

BLACKADDER      Bleeeach!

Blackadder spits the coffee out into an adjacent trashcan, then throws
the whole cup in.  He swivels back to his desk.  While he continues to
read, the contents of the receptacle congeal and coalesce into the form
of Garibaldric, Blackadder's shapeshifting assistant.

BLACKADDER      Ah, Garibaldric.  You certainly left a bad taste in
                my mouth, but then again, you always do.

GARIBALDRIC     Morning, Constable B!  Sorry, I guess I fell asleep.

BLACKADDER      Garibaldric, how many times must I tell you?  First,
                I am _NOT_ a _Constable_; second, you're not allowed
                to sleep on the job, not even in my coffee cup; and
                third --

Blackadder picks up the coffee cup.

GARIBALDRIC     Third?

BLACKADDER      Third...

Blackadder pauses for dramatic effect, then smashes the coffee cup over
Garibaldric's head.  Garibaldric drops to the floor.

BLACKADDER      (Sigh) I've forgotten.  I'm sure it'll come back to me.

Blackadder pauses, noting that Garibaldric has not reverted to his natural
gelatinous form despite being unconscious.  He decides to amuse himself
by hurling some rhetorical abuse at Garibaldric's still form.

BLACKADDER      Oh, Garibaldric, by the way, while you're unconscious,
                don't revert back to your natural form, there's a good
                chap? You might give me the impression that you can do it
                at will, and then you'd be useful, and where would we
                be then?  Not in this rathole, that's for certain.

On the wall adjacent to Blackadder's desk, a viewscreen (two-way audio-
visual communication device resembling a flat-panel 27 inch video
display) flashes a visual cue indicating that someone is calling.
As the cue flashes, the viewscreen also rings like a vintage telephone.
Blackadder pushes a button to answer the call.  Tuud's face
appears onscreen.  She is calling from the commander's office.

BLACKADDER      Yes, Major?

During the course of the call, Garibaldric gradually manages to pick
himself up off the floor and dust himself off.

TUUD            Constable, I just got word that UNPLUG has finally gotten
                around to assigning us a new base commander, and he'll
                be arriving in a couple of hours.  Of course, UNPLUG didn't
                bother to tell us -- I found out through unofficial
                channels.

BLACKADDER      Ambassador G'Whiz ate too many cubes of hallucinogenic
                head cheese again, got drunk and insisted on shouting
                your ear off?

TUUD            Exactly.

BLACKADDER      How many cubes of H. H. C. did it take this time?

TUUD            Seven.

BLACKADDER      That means we're nearly out.  I'll make a note to
                extort -- er, obtain a fresh supply.

TUUD            Blackadder, are we ready?  Is the base secure?

BLACKADDER      Yes, none of the vacuum toilets are connected directly to
                the outside, if that's what you mean.  My people are
                also keeping a watchful eye on the only known homicidal
                sociopath currently on base.

TUUD            (Surprised) Who is it?

BLACKADDER      You, of course.

TUUD            Look, mafioso dearest, you better check everything out
                really well, because if another commander gets sucked
                out into space the first time he flushes --

Tuud is distracted by some off-viewscreen technicians cleaning out
the office.

TUUD            Wait -- what are you doing?  Stop that!  You're --
                You're not throwing it all away!  You are _not_throwing_
                _it_all_away_!  Put it down!  NOW!

They apparently put the trash down and leave.

TUUD            (Sigh) They want me to move my things out of here because
                the Commander's arriving.  Anyway, if you play another
                of your little practical jokes and have me courtmartialed
                for vacuum toilet sabotage again, I am personally going
                to come after you and do to you what Pejorative females
                have been doing to useless males like you for generations!

Tuud hangs up on Blackadder.

BLACKADDER      (Raises an eyebrow) Withhold sex?  I didn't know you
                cared!

GARIBALDRIC     Sir, they've gone and done it again!  They've passed you
                over!  What are we going to do?

BLACKADDER      Well, for one, we won't allow our macho Chief of Operations,
                Milo 'Oh, what a big spanner I have' Nobrain, to fix any
                plumbing problems in the Commander's quarters this time.
                It's bad enough that I had to cover up for him and distract
                the Major with that courtmartial.  The Chief may be cracked...
                like... a large cracked thing with little cracks along its
                edges, but he can be controlled.  It could be much worse.

GARIBALDRIC     I could be Chief Engineer.

BLACKADDER      Precisely.  That would be much worse.  No, Garibaldric,
                it appears that, once again, the gods have turned their
                backs on me, pulled down their elegant silken robes,
                and exposed the divine boils on their Olympic backsides.
                The senile gerontocracy at UNPLUG Central _still_
                consider me a risk.

GARIBALDRIC     Because you're dishonest, corrupt and would sell your
                own grandmother for a cuppa H. H. C.?

BLACKADDER      No, not that.  They all do that, otherwise they wouldn't
                be UNPLUG Central.  No, it's that damned twenty-four hour
                period I spent on Pejor -- that I can't remember.

GARIBALDRIC     But how could you remember it if you said you couldn't
                remember?

BLACKADDER      No, I remembered that I can't remember the specifics.
                It's like when you try to follow written instructions.

                (Sigh) Aah'ghahd, It's not as if I want to be ruler
                of the galaxy and sole husbandoid to some beautiful
                five-breasted alien nymphomaniac Queen Asphyxia or
                anything -- although, mind you, I wouldn't turn that
                down.  If I _am_ doomed to spend the rest of my career
                on this sad little space base in the middle of nowhere,
                orbiting the planet of the enormous bile repositories,
                I will do so as its commander.  Then, I can send _other_
                people out to be killed or maimed while I dine on
                commander's quarters room service -- like Pejorative
                roseanne-trout caviar with Cardigan oznabrag dip.
                And, free use of the commander's VR chair anytime
                I want.  That's all I want.  It's not so much to ask.

GARIBALDRIC     I have a _cunning_plan_!

BLACKADDER      Let me guess.  Does it involve sleeping with Admiral-
                General Lord Flasheart?

GARIBALDRIC     That's amazing!  You read my mind!

BLACKADDER      It's not difficult; your mind could pass for the top half
                of any of those eye charts down in sickbay.  (Pauses)
                And it'd be easier to read -- the eye charts have more
                letters.  Well, I'm out of ideas; I've tried everything.
                I have fewer ideas than a video network executive
                after a lobotomy -- and neutering.  Except --

GARIBALDRIC     Except?

BLACKADDER      I've got it!  I'll get the promotion the _old_fashioned_
                way!

GARIBALDRIC     You're going to sleep with the Admiral-General?

BLACKADDER      No, I'll _earn_ it!  Instead of fleecing rich, dim
                tourists with made-up customs duties, padding my
                expense account and acting as the main source of
                H. H. C. on the base, I'll do it strictly by the
                numbers!  I'll... I'll round up all the corrupt
                shopkeepers and even clamp down on the casino.

GARIBALDRIC     But you can't do that, sir!  No one will be left to pay
                you protection money.

BLACKADDER      Garibaldric, sometimes one must be bloody evil to
                those who don't count to be seen as doing good by
                those who do.  Yes, I'll be a paragon of justice
                and virtue!  I'll stand out like a good thumb on
                this hairy, unwashed fist... then they'll be
                _forced_ to make me commander.

Blackadder pauses and screws up his face at the thought of being a good
guy, even for the darkest of reasons.

BLACKADDER      Naaaaaah!

George enters.

GEORGE          I haven't even asked you to open your mouth and
                already you're saying 'Ahhhhh!'  Good morning,
                Constable!  Good morning, Garibaldric!

GARIBALDRIC     G'morning, Dr. George!

BLACKADDER      George, don't call me _constable_!

GEORGE          But it's such a really _roaring_ title.  _Lieutenant_
                _Commander_ is so long and boring.  Boooo-ring!  It's
                just the _Dull_ Asteroid Belt, circling the star
                Yawn-o-rama.

BLACKADDER      Look, I don't call you _Doctor_, so you don't call me
                _Constable_.  All right?

GEORGE          Well, there's one difference.

BLACKADDER      And that is?

GEORGE          You don't call me Doctor because you don't believe that
                I am one.

BLACKADDER      George, of course I believe you're a doctor.  Why wouldn't
                I believe someone with a medical degree written in crayon
                from the 'Tristan Farnon Memorial Veterinary Teaching
                Hospital'?

GEORGE          That's _exactly_ the question I keep asking.  You'd be
                surprised how many people around here feel exactly
                as you do.  Anyway, I'm going to the airlock lounge
                to greet our new commander.  Aren't you coming?

BLACKADDER      No, George, I'm washing my hair.

GEORGE          Really?  It doesn't look like you need -- (Catches on)
                Oh, I get it, it doesn't interest you.

BLACKADDER      (Mocking George) It launches me into orbit around the
                star Yawn-o-rama.  When he wants to see me, he can
                bloody well come here.

GEORGE          I don't understand you sometimes, Constable.  I would
                think that something like this would be just the hot
                core of the Excitement Nebula for everyone.  It's not
                every day we get a new commander!

BLACKADDER      More like every _other_ day!

GEORGE          Ah, I see.  The psychologist in me sees that you're
                venting your bitterness at being passed over.  Oh
                well, Edmund, cheer up!  They'll never give you
                the job -- that's just the way the orbit decays.
                Learn to live with it, that's my expert opinion!
                Garibaldric, you coming?

GARIBALDRIC     Wouldn't miss it for the world!

George and Garibaldric leave.

BLACKADDER      George, you're somewhere in the Stupid Quadrant, on a
                collision course with the Head-Up-Your Black Hole.
                Computer, is the personnel file on our new base commander
                available yet?

VO:COMPUTER     Yes.

BLACKADDER      Computer, give me the personnel file on our new commander.

VO:COMPUTER     You do not have authorization to view that file.

BLACKADDER      But I'm the _Chief_of_Security_, you no good network
                of -- (Stops himself upon realizing he's arguing with
                a computer)  Computer, authorization name Bryan Ferry,
                code zero-one-two-three-four, user routine 'SCREW U'.

VO:COMPUTER     Access denied.  Divide by zero error.  Server failure.
                Pipe cleaner helium chicken soup.  Bypassing.  Continuing.
                Reattempting to ferret your walrus.  Continuing.

BLACKADDER      I do so love sticking it to dim computers!

VO:COMPUTER     Francis Flasheart, Commander, SpaceBase AVALON 59.

The viewscreen displays a picture of Fran Flasheart.  He looks like
a deer who has just seen four massive and bright Halogen headlamps
speeding in his direction at forty miles per second.  Blackadder
grimaces.

BLACKADDER      Flasheart?  Fran...Flasheart?  Aah'ghahd, it had to
                happen.  Our beloved Admiral-General finally ran out
                of cronies to pay off, so he's starting on his family.
                Computer, service record?

VO:COMPUTER     Graduated, Neurotic Boarding School, upstate New York,
                Earth.  Graduated, Point UNPLUG Academy.  Served 3 years,
                SpaceFreighter USS Ethel Merman. Served 2 years,
                SpaceCruiser USS Paul Tsongas.  Battlefield promotion to
                Captain, USS Tsongas when all officers abandoned ship,
                served until its destruction ten minutes later by the
                Borgnine.  Captured by Borgnine, immediately returned as
                unassimilatable and a drag on their collective
                consciousness.  Served 3 years in cushy desk job.
                Younger brother of Supreme Admiral-General Lord Flasheart.

On the viewscreen, a blinking caption at the bottom appears:

                     YOUNGER BROTHER OF LORD FLASHEART
                    ADVISORY: MAJOR STRINGS WERE PULLED

BLACKADDER      That's all I need -- to wet-nurse old Flush-arse's little
                brother.

VO:COMPUTER     A personal message from Admiral-General Lord Flasheart
                has just arrived.  Shall I display it?

BLACKADDER      Computer, yes.

Admiral-General Lord Flasheart's image appears on the viewscreen.

LORD FLASH      Well, hello, Slackbladder!  I wanted to be the FIRST
                to tell you; I pulled some MAJOR strings to get little
                brother on BOARD as your C. O.!  There were some FOLKS
                who suggested, get this, that YOU should be KICKED
                upSTAIRS, but, you know about that old amNESIA thing, and
                besides, we both know that only a FLASHEART has the
                eQUIPment for that quadrant of SPACE!  WOOF!

                OK, I know what you're saying.  You're disappointed --
                You're getting Fran and not me.  Only _I_ can be ME, and
                the women of the UNIVERSE wouldn't HAVE it any other WAY!
                Hey, there are people who DRILL all the way through their
                PLANETS just so they can get a THRILL when I fly my personal
                SPACECRUISER through the HOLE!  WOOF WOOF!  But,
                he IS a FLASHEART, so he has what it (thrusts pelvis)
                TAKES -- and I'm sure that you're just the man to see
                to it that the REST of him gets JUST as big to match.
                WOOF! WOOF!

                Oh, BY the way, your former fiancee, you remember,
                Bobbie, says 'Hello!' -- well, actually, most of the
                time she's with me, she's HOWLING so LOUDly she doesn't
                even reMEMBER what day it is or her own NAME, much
                less her dull old SLACKbladder, but I thought I'd
                show proper FORM.  Well, gotta go -- take care and
                don't MESS up, or I'll have to COME over and personally
                KILL you!

The viewscreen goes blank.  Blackadder, worn from years of this type
of swashbuckling bombast from his old Academy buddy, Lord Flash, bears
no animosity -- only contempt.

BLACKADDER      Git!

The Cardigan ambassador, Deluxx, sashays into the office and right
up to Blackadder.  Deluxx is beautiful, with pale blue-white skin,
and her blue-white hair pulled up in an alien-style bun in back.
She looks like a live, life-size porcelain doll.

DELUXX          Hello, Edmund.  Aren't you going to greet the new
                commander?

BLACKADDER      Well, Ambassador Deluxx, what a totally expected surprise.

DELUXX          Ambassador?  How formal you are today, Edmund.  You
                seem so detached -- not like the man with whom I spent
                Friday night all covered in home-made Cardigan oznabrag
                dip and warm cranberry sauce.

BLACKADDER      Not distant, nor unwilling; just exhausted -- and full.
                You know, a woman with your talent is wasted as a mere
                diplomat.  You should resign and get a job in, say, the
                erotic cinema on Earth.

DELUXX          Would you be mine forever if I did?

BLACKADDER      Deluxx, I'm yours for as long as you have a tongue and
                the skill to use it.

DELUXX          You really know how to flatter a diplomat, don't you.

BLACKADDER      (Pause) Oh, I see.  Ummm, I suppose you could take it
                that way, too.

DELUXX          Oooh, you naughty boy... But you never answered my first
                question.  Aren't you going to greet the new commander?

BLACKADDER      No, I thought I'd stand here and get in a few more reps
                of Kegel exercises.

Delux sashays forward toward Edmund.

DELUXX          Mmmmm, how would you like a freshly washed, hot Cardigan
                to wrap around you when you're done?

BLACKADDER      (Trying to look cold and uncaring, yet really,
                really turned on) Ummm, okay.

Blackadder and Deluxx embrace in a manner reminiscent of two earthworms
mating.

INT. AVALON CONTROL

A large, rather empty room with a viewscreen covering the majority
of one wall.  As one might expect with the low-budget nightmare
that is called AVALON 59, lighted ads for Sony and Safeway flank
the viewscreen.

Control is essentially a crude reproduction of Houston Mission
Control, with several long fold-up tables on which reside 20-30
futuristic, yet familiar PC's/workstations with mouse devices.
Of course, the mouse pads are made of some amazingly futuristic
material, with the 'MOUSEPADCORP/Formerly IBM' logo imprinted in
bold, bright letters.  The chairs are cheap, and used, and, like
everything else, crudely bolted to the floor, wheels (if any)
intact.  Velcro strips connected to each arm of the chairs function
as safety belts.  Breathtakingly large amounts of an infinite
variety of cabling hangs from the backs of each of the work-
stations; some cabling connects workstations to each other, the
rest connect workstations to small holes in random places in the
floor.  Obviously frayed cable ends and repair tags stick out from
many holes in the floor and backs of workstations.  A doorway on
the wall opposite the viewscreen leads to the Commander's office.

Some technicians are seated at their workstations; Nobrain is playing
a video game on his workstation while Tuud arranges her belongings
at her former and once-again-current station.  Frustrated at her
station's computer, she slaps it.

TUUD            Damn!  I can't get _anything_ to work right!
                I wish I didn't have to give back the office --
                I _hate_ my old desk!

Tuud tears the mouse off the workstation and throws it at
Nobrain's head.  Her aim is accurate.

TUUD            Chief, when are you going to fix my station?

NOBRAIN         Lemme look.  (Pause)  It looks like you're missing
                a mouse.

TUUD            You moron, I just brained you with it!

NOBRAIN         Oh, I see.  Lemme take a look.  (Looks at the mouse)
                Hmmm, it looks like the problem is that it's not
                connected to your workstation.

Tuud gets up, walks briskly over to Nobrain, grabs the mouse, wraps
the dangling cord around his neck, picks him up halfway off the chair
and starts to strangle him.

TUUD            I want to impress just one thought upon you before you
                turn blue, lose consciousness and asphyxiate.  I want
                my station fixed.  NOW!

Tuud lets go of the cord, allowing Nobrain to fall back into the chair.
Nobrain turns the other way and starts to talk quietly to no one in
particular.

NOBRAIN         Geez, use a joke, get a choke.

The technician at the Communications station responds to information
on her screen.

TECHNICIAN      Major, the USS Harlan Ellison is hailing us.

TUUD            Answer and put them on the viewscreen.

FLASHEART       This is C-c-commander Fran Flasheart aboard the USS
                Ellison.  We're about fifteen minutes away, and I
                was wondering if your sickbay is fully staffed.

TUUD            The doctor who runs it should be institutionalized, but
                the sickbay itself is in tip-top shape, sir.

FLASHEART       Good.  I wanted to know because... I'm getting this
                throbbing pain in my chest, extending down into my
                abdomen, and, when I do this --

Tuud interrupts him as he gesticulates wildly.

TUUD            Sir, I'll alert Dr. Cremator, who is currently at the
                airlock waiting to greet you.  AVALON out.

FLASHEART       Cremator?  As in, 'to cremate'? --

Tuud motions to the comm tech to close the channel.

TUUD            What a spocking no-spocks hypochondriac.

Tuud raises her voice to get everyone's attention.

TUUD            OK, folks, I'm on my way to the airlock to greet our
                new UNPLUG Commander.  Try not to spock anything
                up while I'm gone.  And, Chief -- fix my station!

Tuud exits.  Nobrain walks over to Tuud's workstation and checks
it out.

NOBRAIN         Looks like I'm gonna need the L-aaa-ser Ch-aa-ains-aaa-w.
                R! R! R! R! R! ...

Nobrain exits, gleeful in his anticipation of retrieving a really nasty
tool from his workshop.

INT. AVALON AIRLOCK WAITING LOUNGE -- A FEW MINUTES LATER

George, Garibaldric, G'Whiz and several other folks await the arrival
of the 'Ellison' and Cmdr. Flasheart.

G'Whiz is a tall, but otherwise typical example of the Yarn --
he resembles an upright, bipedal alligator with a Rastafarian
hairdo and military uniform, who shouts a lot.

Tuud arrives from Control.

G'WHIZ          PeptoBISmol, Major Tuud!

TUUD            Ambassador.  George...and (to Garibaldric) Cousin It.

G'WHIZ          So, you've HEARD from your new comMANder.  Is he
                exactly what I never ofFICially TOLD you he was?

TUUD            Yes.

G'WHIZ          UnFORtunate.  You know, I find most Earthers to be a
                bit FLESHy for my taste.  Too easily injured, both
                PHYSically and eMOTionally.  Not like we Yarn --
                nor you, of course.

TUUD            (Nonplussed by the left-handed compliment) Gee, thanks,
                Ambassador.

GEORGE          So, Major, you've actually talked to him?  What's he like?

TUUD            (Dripping with sarcasm) You should get along _famously_
                with him, George.  He was asking for you.

GEORGE          Really?  Well, move me closer to my personal sun,
                remove my ozone layer and call me Sol 3!  How
                marvelous!

Deluxx and Blackadder arrive, breathless.  That they dressed
in an extreme hurry is obvious.

G'WHIZ          Ahh, Ambassador DeLUXX.  PeptoBISmol!

DELUXX          Rolaids to you, Ambassador.

G'WHIZ          And, CONstable Blackadder.  PeptoBISmol!

BLACKADDER      Quite.  (Aside to Deluxx)  I'll never get over how
                obsessed the Yarn are with their digestive complaints.

DELUXX          (Aside to Blackadder)  Now, now.  Tolerance, Edmund.

BLACKADDER      You sound like my mother.

DELUXX          I do?  Oooh, we haven't _tried_ that one yet.

Tuud walks goes over to Blackadder and pulls him aside.

TUUD            Pardon me, Ambassadors.  (To Blackadder) I had an
                opportunity to talk briefly with our new commander
                a few minutes ago.

BLACKADDER      Let me guess -- a complete and total wally, even by
                our, shall we say, from your perspective, limited Earth
                standards?

TUUD            Bongo.  A spocking wimp.  What's wrong with your people?
                I've seen your actors John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzen-
                egger, and Penn and Teller.  Isn't there anyone in
                UNPLUG with any spocks?

BLACKADDER      Well, one doesn't like to brag, but --

TUUD            Oh yeah, you, right.

Tuud laughs and walks back over to the others while George walks over
to Blackadder.

BLACKADDER      You know, you didn't have to enjoy that quite so much.

GEORGE          I've heard that we're getting a new Science Officer, too.

BLACKADDER      Oh really?  Knowing our masters, he'll probably be some
                old coot who makes his own alcohol -- that's what
                passes for science around here.

VO:COMPUTER     Attention.  The USS Ellison has docked.  Please stand
                well clear of the airlock.  While the Ellison is in
                dock, there will be no plagarism of old 'Outer Limits'
                episodes permitted on this station, by order of UNPLUG
                Legal Division.  This includes unintentional plagarism.
                Message ends.

Tuud, Blackadder, George and Garibaldric queue up into an inspection/
receiving line.  The ambassadors stand off to the other side.  A moment
passes, then the airlock opens.  First out is Lt. Justa Duk, the new
Science officer.  She looks quite normal, except for the elaborate
Barney the Dinosaur hand puppet she wears over her left hand.  She works
her way down the line -- both she (Justa) and the puppet (Duk) salute,
but Duk does all the talking.

DUK             Hiiiii, it's just Stu-u-u-u-pendous to meet you!

TUUD            (Aside to Blackadder) This is what happens when
                ventriloquists are allowed to evolve.

Moving down the line, Duk exchanges greetings with George.  George is
totally in love at first sight, although he doesn't quite know what to
make of the hand-puppet symbiont.

DUK             Iiii'm the new Sciiience Officer, Lieutenant Justa Duk.

GEORGE          Pardon me, but I'm not familiar with your species.

DUK             I'm a Drill.  We're a joined species.  I'm the
                symbiont, and she's the host!

GEORGE          A Drill?  How enchanting!  I'm Dr. George Cremator,
                Chief of Medicine, and I want to be your sledgehammer.

BLACKADDER      George!

GEORGE          Oh, sorry, didn't mean to be rude.  It's just that I've
                never --

BLACKADDER      She knows you've never, I know you've never, we all know
                that you've never.

GEORGE          Perhaps once you're settled, you'd like to have dinner?
                Or, maybe an intense and gratuitously intrusive physical
                examination?  I'm _really_ good at that!

DUK             That'd be Stu-u-u-u-pendous!

Host turns to hand-puppet-symbiont and the two begin a heated yet
whispered exchange.

DUK             On second thought, why don't we just _pretend_ to have
                dinner sometime!  I think that'd be _great_!

BLACKADDER      That's just grand.  We get Sybil the Science Officer.

Duk greets the ambassadors, then exits.  A moment passes, then an
attendant rolls Flasheart out of the airlock in a wheelchair.

FLASHEART       (Wheeze)  At ease, people.  I'm (wheeze) just having a
                little anxiety attack.  Who's Doctor Crematorium?

GEORGE          Uh, I am, sir.  Cremator, sir.

FLASHEART       Whatever, great.  (Wheeze) Take me to your sickbay.
                (Wheeze) What kind of drugs do you have?

GEORGE          Oh, we have simply _every_ kind, sir!

FLASHEART       Good, (Wheeze) 'cause I'm going to need 'em.  Move out,
                Doctor.

GEORGE          Aye, aye, sir.

George wheels Flasheart to sickbay.

G'WHIZ          So, THAT'S the new comMANder?  Seems too SMALL.  If
                I caught something like HIM, I'd throw him BACK!

Blackadder is distracted by a guy with a computerized glass hand running
past from the airlock and followed closely by two law officers with pale
faces and very, very dark circles around their eyes, also from the
_Ellison_.

{In case you're scratching your head, that was an obscure Outer Limits/
Harlan Ellison visual pun}

EXT. AVALON 59 -- MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, STATION TIME

We observe a space-suited stranger attaching a couple of nasty looking
packages to the station.  Having finished his task, the stranger floats
off screen.  A few seconds later, small rocket nozzles bloom from one
side of each package.

INT. BLACKADDER'S QUARTERS

Close up on Blackadder, sleeping in his bunk.

SFX: MUFFLED EXPLOSION

Followed by the sound of lots of miscellaneous items falling on the
floor.  Blackadder awakens to find himself lying face down.

BLACKADDER      What the devil --

Blackadder then realizes that he is in fact lying on the inside wall of his
bunk.  Pull back to reveal that the wall of his cabin is now the floor.

FADE OUT.

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                  ACT II

INT. AVALON CONTROL -- MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Confused technicians are standing on both side walls (ie the viewscreen
wall and the door to the commander's office are still walls, albeit
sideways now).  A couple of technicians are still secured in their
seats.  Of course, the workstation mice are hanging down either
toward whichever new 'floor' they are closest to.  Tuud enters from
the left 'floor'.

TUUD            (A little winded)  Why do I always need to use my
                mountain-climing skills up here on a space station?

George pokes his head through the right 'floor'.

GEORGE          Major, it's not 'up here', it's 'out here'.

TUUD            No, it's not 'out here', it's 'up yours'.

GEORGE          (Laughs uncomfortably)  That Pejorative humor of yours.
                I don't know if you've noticed, but we're having a bit
                of a cock-up with the gravity thingee.  You should _see_
                sickbay.  One of my boffins was working with various
                lab cultures and specimen jars. I just laughed, and
                laughed --

TUUD            George, you're a spocking moron.  Did you know that?

GEORGE          Well, actually, now that you mention it, some folks --

TUUD            George, shut up.

FLASHEART       (Offscreen, panicky, from his office)  Major, is that
                you?  I couldn't sleep, so I was sitting at my desk,
                compulsively-repetitively massaging my temples and
                then there was this explosion, and then everything
                not bolted to the floor fell onto the side walls.

TUUD            (Calls out calmly, almost condescending) How are you, sir?

FLASHEART       (Trying unsuccesfully to disguise the raw panic in his
                voice) Fine, I'm floating in the center of the room,
                which is zero gee.  I'd really like to wet my pants
                in an infantile display of total fear and anxiety,
                but I'm afraid to because the thrust might cause me
                to fall to one of the walls and hurt myself.  Do you
                have any recommendations?

TUUD            Yes, sir, I do.

FLASHEART       I'm listening.

TUUD            Tie a knot in it and stay where you are.

FLASHEART       Sounds like a plan to me.  You'll let me know when you've
                got this thing under control?

TUUD            I think you'll be able to figure it out for yourself, sir.

FLASHEART       Good.  I think I'm going to faint now.  Oooh, stars!

Blackadder joins Tuud in the entrance to the left floor.

BLACKADDER      Well, Major.  Re-enacting the Spider-Man bicentennial
                celebration, are we?

TUUD            Put a sock in it.  We're rotating end-over-end rather than
                on our normal central-core axis.  Since Control is at the
                midpoint between the two ends of the cylinder, we are now
                blessed with two floors, one on each wall.  And Helpless
                the Wonder Weenie in his office over there is so fearful
                of losing control of his bodily functions that he just
                passed out.

BLACKADDER      All in all, just an average day on AVALON 59.

TUUD            (Disgusted) You got it.

Nobrain, wearing some kind of macho looking electronic belt wired to
his shoes, 'walks' into Control on the former floor, as if gravity is
completely normal.

NOBRAIN         Hi, guys.  Just hanging around?

TUUD            How are you able to waltz in here as if nothing is
                wrong?

NOBRAIN         Hey, after the last time I found myself walking three
                feet off the floor and I wasn't in love, I don't trust
                centrifugal gravity.  That's why I carry my own.

Nobrain presses a button on his belt and it lights up like a Christmas
tree.

NOBRAIN         Yeah, I'm prepared for anything; I'm Grizzly Nobrain,
                Space Wilderness Man! R! R! R! R! ...

TUUD            Hey, Grizzly, how about squeezing in a little work on
                our gravity in between hugging trees?

NOBRAIN         Ok, ok, chill, jill, I'll fill the bill!

Nobrain sits at a workstation, reels in the mouse, drags, clicks and
presses a button.

NOBRAIN         There.

TUUD            That's it?  Nothing's happening.

Suddenly, gravity shifts back to normal.  Tuud, Blackadder and George
fall rather quickly to the usual floor.  Nobrain, with his own personal
gravity belt, looks around in amusement.

NOBRAIN         It's _fixed_!

TUUD            (Sarcastically) Thank you, Chief.

Flasheart runs out of his office.

FLASHEART       I want to hear all about this -- when I get back from
                the bathroom -- and the ship's pharmacy.

Flasheart exits.

GEORGE          Well, that's my cue!  (Exits)

George exits.

NOBRAIN         Yeah, there are two things my dad told me never to
                do without gravity:  toga parties without underwear and
                pancakes with maple syrup.

INT. COMMANDER'S MEETING ROOM -- THE NEXT MORNING

Commander's meeting room.  Flasheart, Tuud, Duk, Blackadder, George
and Nobrain are seated at the table.  Flasheart sits at the head of
the table; an 'Out of Order, Use Easel/Paper' sign is affixed to a
viewscreen on the wall behind him.  A cheap easel with large-size pad
of drawing paper is propped against a side wall.

FLASHEART       Ok, people, I want to get down to business.  First,
                George, thanks for the quadro-triti-Valium Select.
                For a while, I thought all the blood vessels in my
                head were going to burst simultaneously, as my lungs
                collapsed and kidneys failed, but I'm doing much better
                now.  I feel like only _one_ of my eyes is as big as
                a cue ball, and that's an improvement.

GEORGE          Oh, tish, pshaw, don't mention it, sir.

FLASHEART       We have three items to discuss:  first, the explosion
                and gravity-shift we experienced this morning; second,
                the impending arrival of the new ambassador from the
                Orlon Collection; and third, (pauses, looks around, and
                speaks quietly) I want to hear any ideas any of you
                might have on how to kill my big brother so I can
                get reassigned back to Earth.

GEORGE          Aww, but sir, you just got here!  And AVALON is a
                really super place, once you get used to it.

FLASHEART       I don't want anything to do with any space station
                which was named after a Roxy Music song.

BLACKADDER      Sir, would one be correct in assuming that you and your
                brother are not on the best of terms?

FLASHEART       Oh, no, not at all -- he _loves_ me!  He did this to
                me for my _own_good_!  My brother -- George, gimme
                another Valium -- the great space explorer and stud
                of the galaxy, can't understand that, unlike the rest
                of our family, I'm sensitive and caring!  George,
                VALIUM!!!

George hands Flasheart a quadro-triti-Valium Select, a large, nasty
looking glowing capsule, which Flasheart grabs and gobbles down,
followed by a gulp of water from a paper cup.

FLASHEART       My family forced me to join the UNPLUG Space Guard.
                Tremendous, tremendous pressure -- from them, from
                my brother.  Don't get me wrong, I like space.  I
                just don't want to be a _commander_.  I -- I -- have
                different dreams, other desires.

BLACKADDER      So, you bow to the applause of a different audience
                than our beloved Admiral-General...  Would one be
                impertinent to ask, how different?

FLASHEART       Well... I want to be a stand-up comic.

DUK             Iiii think that's stu-u-u-u-pendous!  Let's _all_
                pretend we're stand-up comics!

Everybody does a take at Lt. Duk, except George, who's been entranced
with her all along.

BLACKADDER      Oh dear, and here I was afraid that you might want to
                do something silly.

Flasheart speaks in a wimpy growl in an attempt to assert his authority
by proving that he is the most deranged person in the room.

FLASHEART       Watch it, Blackadder -- I may be a raw, exposed bundle
                of hypersensitive nerves covered by the inflamed
                epidermis of a neurotic loser, but I'm still your
                commanding officer for as long as I'm buried here.

BLACKADDER      Indeed.  My apologies, sir, no disrespect intended. (To
                himself) Well, not much anyway.

FLASHEART       Anyway, as I was saying, my brother got me assigned here
                in the hope that it'd toughen me up and after a few
                years or so I'd be fit to be let back in our house.

BLACKADDER      A few years?

FLASHEART       Well, he may have said twenty or thirty years --
                I forget.

BLACKADDER      Twenty? --

TUUD            This has been very enlightening, sir, but can we
                get back on track?

FLASHEART       Yes, absolutely, thank you Major.  Lt. Duk, I'd like
                to hear your science report on the explosion, followed
                by Lt. Commander Blackadder's security report.

Justa Duk gets up and walks over to the easel.

DUK             Weeeelll, I thought it'd be really neat-o to present
                my report as a song!  Are you all ready to sing with
                me?

FLASHEART       Umm, Lieutenant.  No offense, and I respect the age and
                wisdom of your symbiont, but I think everyone here at
                the table agrees that if the hand-puppet continues to
                talk for you when you're on duty, we're going to beat it
                senseless with a large ball-peen hammer.

NOBRAIN         And I have one here, just in case.  I'm always prepared.

FLASHEART       I'd much prefer just the host to speak.  I know, it's
                strange, but what can I say?  It's an un-joined, human
                thing.  OK?

DUK             It's better to say what you feel than have your
                blood congeal!  I _looove_ you for your honesty!

FLASHEART       Oh, great, the hand puppet turns the other cheek.

JUSTA           (With just a hint of stuck-up Valleygirlspeak)  Well,
                it's like, you know, someone stuck a couple of really
                wicked retro-rockets on one end of the station.  When
                they went off, they caused the station to rotate end-to-
                end instead of, like, you know, rolling.  I checked how
                hard the stickum on the rockets had stuck to the outside,
                and I believe that, like, it had only been stuck for an
                hour or so before it went off.

TUUD            (Quietly, to Blackadder)  Now I understand why they
                line up to join with those spocking hand-puppets --
                they need the intelligence boost!

FLASHEART       Did you recognize the construction of the rockets?

JUSTA           Oh, like you wanted me to do that, too?

The hand-puppet gets Justa's attention.  They whisper to each other for
a moment.

JUSTA           Umm, it's like, Yarn design and technology.

FLASHEART       So, it looks like the Yarn planted it.

TUUD            Or, someone who wanted to make it _look_ like the Yarn
                planted it.

GEORGE          Or, the Yarn could have placed it to make it _look_
                like someone who wanted to make it _look_ like the
                Yarn planted it!

ALL EXCEPT GEORGE (IN UNISON)
                George, shut up!

BLACKADDER      The origin of the technology is irrelevant.  As everyone
                knows, UNPLUG, the Yarn, the Cardigans, and the Orlons
                will sell technology to anyone and his grandmother's
                clones.  The only prime directive here is 'He who dies
                with the largest bank account wins.'

TUUD            Don't forget my people -- we sell _just_ as much as any
                of the big guys, but for less, thanks to lower overhead!

BLACKADDER      Thank you, Major, for that advert.  I'm afraid, sir,
                that it may not be possible to determine who did this
                and why.

FLASHEART       That's not good enough.  A lot of important guests lost
                their head cheese this morning.  There are going to be
                questions, and I'm gonna need answers.  (Pauses)  Does
                my left eye look bloodshot?  It feels like it's going to
                burst out of my head.

TUUD            Your eye looks fine, sir.

GEORGE          Actually, sir, it looks --

BLACKADDER      Ah, don't worry, sir.  I will provide you with whatever
                answers you require.  Computer, ring my assistant.

VO:COMPUTER     There is no one on board with the name Miassistant.

BLACKADDER      Garibaldric!  Computer, ring Garibaldric!

VO:COMPUTER     There is no working viewscreen in your vicinity.  Do you
                still want to connect to Security Officer Garibaldric?

BLACKADDER      Yes.

VO:COMPUTER     UNPLUG Medical strongly advises that audio communication
                is not as effective without the capability to sense non-
                verbal dialog, and misunderstandings and loss of self-
                esteem can result.  Are you sure --

BLACKADDER      Yes, you sniveling socialist software!  Get me Garibaldric!

VO:COMPUTER     Connection established.

VO:GARIBALDRIC  Secrecy department, Garibaldric speaking.

BLACKADDER      Garibaldric, it's me.

VO:GARIBALDRIC  Me who?

BLACKADDER      Your superior.

VO:GARIBALDRIC  That could be anybody.

BLACKADDER      This is Blackadder.

VO:GARIBALDRIC  You can't be him, he's in a meeting.

BLACKADDER      No, _this_IS_Lieutenant_Commander_Blackadder_.

VO:GARIBALDRIC  How come I can't see you?

BLACKADDER      The viewscreen's broken, like your ability to
                understand polysyllabic words.

VO:GARIBALDRIC  Oh, it really _is_ you.  Sorry, sir, I thought you were
                pretending to be you.

BLACKADDER      Garibaldric, I'd like to pretend you weren't you, but as
                Dame Fortune has only broken wind in my direction for as
                long as I can remember, I am forced to live with harsh
                reality.  I have a task for you.  You know the usual
                suspects?

VO:GARIBALDRIC  Yes?

BLACKADDER      Round them up, there's a good chap.

VO:GARIBALDRIC  Oy, oy, sir.

BLACKADDER      That's 'Aye, Aye'.  And while you're at it, include
                yourself.  Computer, end communication.

VO:COMPUTER     Communication ended.  Advisory:  the number of
                misunderstandings in your communication exceeded the
                UNPLUG Medical-established threshold--

BLACKADDER      Computer, can you understand the words 'SHUT UP' in audio
                only, or shall I draw you a picture?

INT. AVALON SCIENCE LAB -- LATER THAT AFTERNOON

Blackadder and Justa Duk examine the rocket packages.

BLACKADDER      I just don't understand.  Why would someone want to
                do this?

DUK             Because they're _not_ nice people!  I know a song
                about nice people -- let's all sing!

BLACKADDER      I know a song about a hand puppet and a very large
                stick of dynamite sticking where only a hand has
                gone before.

Duk faints (Justa's left hand goes limp)

JUSTA           Like, look what you've done.

BLACKADDER      I know, but it really was the lesser of two evils.
                Now, let's approach this logically.

JUSTA           Logically?  What's that?

BLACKADDER      Lieutenant, before you were joined to Pollyanna the
                Purple Puppet there, what did you study at Point
                UNPLUG Academy?

JUSTA           I was a Personal Appearance Technologist.

BLACKADDER      Ahh, I see.  A hairdresser.

JUSTA           Personal Appearance Technologist!

BLACKADDER      Quite.  So Duk is the scientist.

JUSTA           What's your point?

BLACKADDER      I just wanted to know in case I find any large paper
                bags you might not be able to deduce your way out of.

JUSTA           Huh?

BLACKADDER      Never mind, I'll get Garibaldric to explain it to you.
                That should keep both of you busy until the end of
                time.  Anyway, back to the point at hand.  Why would
                anyone want to change the rotation of the station?

Deluxx enters.

DELUXX          Or the angle of the dangle?

BLACKADDER      Ambassador?  How nice to see you.

DELUXX          I'm sure you'd find it much nicer to see more of me.

BLACKADDER      (Caught off guard by her lack of discretion)  I'm
                on _duty_.

DELUXX          Oh?  How dreary.

Deluxx pulls out a small card from her sleeve and gives it to Blackadder.

DELUXX          Edmund, here is some information which might be of help.

BLACKADDER      Deluxx, your government doesn't normally cooperate with
                UNPLUG.  Aren't you going to get into trouble?

Deluxx smiles enigmatically.

DELUXX          If anyone asks, just tell them you found it in your
                trousers.  Ta!

Deluxx leaves.  Blackadder examines the card.

BLACKADDER      Aah'ghahd, it's another of her 'Trivial Pursuit' cards.
                When she knows something important, she always shows
                up at a convenient moment and gives me one --

Justa raises an eyebrow, causing Blackadder to get a bit defensive.

BLACKADDER      -- a _card_.  Like this one.  I'm sure it's from
                her government's classified files.

JUSTA           Like, what's it say?

BLACKADDER      Who blew up an entire solar system when the orbit
                of one of the planets they colonized was found to
                be erratic?

JUSTA           Oh, I know.  It's, like, this mega-wealthy rock star --

INT. AVALON CAFETERIA -- DINNER

Blackadder, Garibaldric and George are eating.

GEORGE          ...Well, I think it was the janitorial staff.  Think
                about it -- what's the easiest way to clean the floor?
                Move the dirt to the walls!

BLACKADDER      George, you know, you're better at doing my job than
                you are at medicine.

GEORGE          Oh?  Why thank you, Edmund.

GARIBALDRIC     The regulars in the bar think that it was a conspiracy
                to get them to pay their tabs.

BLACKADDER      The regulars in the bar aren't capable of higher
                brain functionality, much less thinking.

Tuud and Nobrain, with trays, enter.

TUUD            Mind if we join you?

BLACKADDER      Yes, but that won't stop you --

Tuud and Nobrain sit down, oblivious to Blackadder's comment.

TUUD            -- Great.

NOBRAIN         Well, judging by what's on my plate, I'm gonna have
                to fix the food replicators again.

BLACKADDER      We don't _have_ food replicators, Chief.

NOBRAIN         Then what did I fix the last time?

BLACKADDER      Mrs. Miggins, the pie chef.

NOBRAIN         (Snickers)  Oh, yeah, I forgot.

BLACKADDER      Everytime anyone shook her hand, she'd vomit up a
                meat pie.  It was disgusting.

NOBRAIN         Yeah, but they were _great_ meat pies.  Real spaceman
                food, R! R! R! R! ...

BLACKADDER      If you don't stop making that grunting noise, I'm going
                to go over to the 'In case of machismo attack, break
                glass' and stuff the special emergency quiche down your
                throat.

NOBRAIN         (Sniffs the air) Hey, you guys smell something?

BLACKADDER      Only Garibaldric.

GARIBALDRIC     I don't smell anything.

BLACKADDER      That's probably for the best.

TUUD            Yeah, I smell something.  From Earth.  Outdoorsy.

GEORGE          A fresh pine scent.  The mark of the janitorial staff!

TUUD            But we don't have anything like that in the Arboretum.

BLACKADDER      This may be another attempt at sabotage.  We need to
                analyze the air.  George, do you have your mediscan unit
                with you?

GEORGE          No, but I have a scratch-and-sniff pocket calculator.

BLACKADDER      I suggest we all put our napkins over our noses and
                head for the sickbay at once.

TUUD            Chief Nobrain and I will inspect the ventilation
                system.

NOBRAIN         Awright, a chance to tear apart lots of big motors and
                gears and stuff, R! R! R! R!  I'll get my drill -- I
                adapted it from an old photon torpedo!  R! R! R!

BLACKADDER      ...But first, I'm going to get the emergency quiche.

INT. AVALON SICKBAY

George is analyzing air samples while Blackadder and Garibaldric
look on.

GEORGE          Well, the readout indicates that -- it's pine scent.

BLACKADDER      No poison?  Airborne virus?  Nothing?

George responds while studying the readout.

GEORGE          Aaahhh, not exactly.  I read... the... usual level of
                poisons and airborne viruses.  There's always
                a little bit present.

BLACKADDER      Like your aftershave.  I see.

GEORGE          (Misses it)  No, actually, more like the turbine
                oil in primitive Earth submarines.  It seems
                those boys had to bring a little bit of the stuff
                with them to put in coffee during their shore leave,
                so it'd _taste_ the same --

SFX: EEEEEEYYYYAAAAGH (VOMIT SOUND)

BLACKADDER      Garibaldric!

GARIBALDRIC     It wasn't me!

GEORGE          Oh, it's my viewscreen.  It's called PukeRing.  Instead
                of a telephone ring, I get 'Bleeach!'.  It's quite
                a panic, isn't it!

BLACKADDER      Answer it before I give you a reason to panic!

George presses the viewscreen button.  Tuud, decked out in gasmask and
gloves, appears on the viewscreen.  George continues to work at the
medical station while talking to Tuud.

TUUD            Well, we found the source.  It's a large canister of
                some kind of gas with a timer.  Chief Nobrain is unhooking
                it now.

GEORGE          Major, you can take off the gasmask, it's just pine
                scent.

TUUD            Good.  The damn things make me claustrophobic.  Chief?

NOBRAIN         R! R! R! R! -- R?

TUUD            Would you bring the canister over here?

NOBRAIN         R!

TUUD            Have you ever seen markings like this?  (Holds up the
                canister to the viewscreen)

BLACKADDER      Actually, yes.  It's some kind of Orlon warning, I
                think.  Stay there, I'll be down in a moment.

Blackadder closes the viewscreen link.

INT. AVALON VENTILATION SYSTEM CORRIDOR -- A FEW MINUTES LATER

Tuud and Nobrain are lying on the floor, unconscious.

Blackadder enters.

BLACKADDER      Major?  Chief?

Blackadder finds a pulse on both of them, then quickly pulls out Nobrain's
wallet, pulls out a couple of bills, and puts it back.

BLACKADDER      No sense in letting an opportunity like this go to waste.

VOICE           Emissionary!

Blackadder turns around to see Tuud, in gasmask -- or is it?

'TUUD'          Emissionary.  It is meaningless to you.

BLACKADDER      You have me at a loss.

'Tuud' morphs into 'Nobrain', still wearing a gasmask.

'NOBRAIN'       Where is it?

BLACKADDER      Where is what?

'NOBRAIN'       I can see into your mind.  You are the one, but you
                have no consciousness of it.

BLACKADDER      Do you find pine fragrance to be intoxicating, or are
                you simply mad?

'Nobrain' morphs into 'Blackadder' (in gasmask) and runs down the
corridor.  Blackadder chases and finally catches him.  The stranger
morphs several times during the struggle, prompting Blackadder to say:

BLACKADDER      Stop that; Michael Jackson's been dead for _centuries_!

The stranger knees Blackadder in the spocks and pushes him to the other
side of the corridor.  The stranger morphs again, becoming a Cardigan
male.  The stranger's oversized belt buckle starts to spark, so he
removes it, presses a button on it and throws it aside.  After a moment,
it self-destructs.

STRANGER        You have a hole in your sock.

The stranger pulls out a rose from his pocket, lifts up his gas mask,
inhales deeply, and dies.

BLACKADDER      Well, it appears he rose to the occasion...

FADE OUT.

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                  ACT III

INT. BLACKADDER'S QUARTERS -- BEDTIME

Blackadder's quarters, later that evening.  Deluxx and Blackadder are
in bed.

DELUXX          Mmmmm, Edward, you're right.  Sometimes it's better just
                to lie here together, you know, without my set of heated,
                vibrating teflon-coated mechanical multi-legged pleasure
                spiders, or the two-meter A-I-action hydraulic octopus --
                or even a couple of cubes of hallucinogenic head cheese.

BLACKADDER      Yes, just you, me and the bed.  That's what we Earthers
                call 'roughing it'.

DELUXX          Ooooh, that word.  RRRRrrough.  Edmund, I'm in the mood
                for rrrough.  I want you to get rrrrough with me.  Hurt me
                and I'll be yours forever, Edmund.

BLACKADDER      Y'know, this isn't just a Cardigan female thing with you,
                is it.  You're completely barking mad!  Down on all fours
                with rabid foam dripping from your snout, aren't you.  And
                somehow I've gotten tangled up in your leash --

DELUXX          (Eyes lighting up) Leash?

BLACKADDER      Don't change the subject.

DELUXX          (Pouting) Does that mean you won't play along?

Blackadder pretends to think about his answer for a moment.

BLACKADDER      Ummmm, no.  So, you've been a _bad_ little Cardigan girl?

DELUXX          Yes --

BLACKADDER      And you want me to punish you?

DELUXX          Oh, yes --

BLACKADDER      You want me to... _hurt_ you?

DELUXX          Ohhhh, yessss!

BLACKADDER      You want that more than anything?

DELUXX          _Yyyyyeeeeess_!

Blackadder faces her and speaks in his most commanding tone.

BLACKADDER      Never! Absolutely _not_!

Deluxx sighs, and her eyes flutter for a moment.

DELUXX          Ohh, that was wonderful! You were fantastic!  So... so
                _commanding_!

BLACKADDER      Nothing but the best for you, my dear.

Deluxx and Blackadder cuddle a little closer.

DELUXX          Edmund?

BLACKADDER      Hmmmm?

DELUXX          You know, you don't usually, well, _think_ this much
                when we're together like this.  Are you still troubled by
                that Cardigan terrorist? I told you, he's a rogue...
                He was wanted on Cardigan.  By killing himself, he
                saved my government a lot of money -- D. I. Y. is
                always more cost-effective than a show trial and
                execution.

BLACKADDER      It's _how_ he killed himself and _what_ he said that
                troubles me.

DELUXX          Well, how did he kill himself?

BLACKADDER      He stuffed a rose up his nose.

DELUXX          (Laughs)  That shouldn't have killed him!

BLACKADDER      Yes, I know.  Lt. Duk analyzed the rose and found it to
                be replicated, but otherwise completely normal.  George
                will perform an autopsy on the body tomorrow, as soon
                as he finishes reading the Cardigan Autopsy Frequently
                Asked Questions document he pulled off your government's
                public data archive.

DELUXX          And what did he say to you just before?

BLACKADDER      Something very curious.  'You have a hole in your sock' --

Deluxx gasps slightly, then regains her composure.  Blackadder doesn't
notice.

BLACKADDER      -- makes no sense.  I mean, I was wearing _shoes_; he
                couldn't even _see_ my socks.

DELUXX          It is an old Cardigan insult.

BLACKADDER      Oh?  He didn't look like an old Cardigan.

DELUXX          (Giggles) Oh Edmund, you're so funny.  Let's (whispers
                something to him)

BLACKADDER      No, we _can't_!  The last time we did that, I couldn't
                drink anything cold for _weeks_ afterward!

INT. COMMANDER'S OFFICE -- THE NEXT MORNING

Flasheart is in a neck brace.

SFX: CHEAP DOORBELL 'DING-DONG'

FLASHEART       Come in.

Nothing happens.

FLASHEART       Use the manual ingress tool next to the door!

With a violent thud, the business end of a crowbar wedges itself between
the closed doors.  After a bit of noise and little movement, the doors
suddenly slide open.  Blackadder, using the crowbar on the other side,
falls forward into the office.

BLACKADDER      (On the floor)  I presume that your door is on the Chief's
                service list?

FLASHEART       No, it's _fixed_.  You should have seen what it did
                _before_ he fixed it.

BLACKADDER      Oh yes, I noticed the neck brace.

FLASHEART       Neck brace?

The Commander feels around his neck, discovering the neck brace and
takes it off.

FLASHEART       Damn new-commander pranks!  No wonder all the techs
                snickered when I came in this morning.

BLACKADDER      Sir, I wanted to talk to you about the pine scent
                terrorist from yesterday.

FLASHEART       I read your report.  The guy killed himself by stuffing a
                rose up his nose?

BLACKADDER      There was no possible way a rose could have killed him.
                Cardigans aren't even allergic to roses.

FLASHEART       How do you know?

BLACKADDER      Let's just say I have experience in the matter.

Blackadder turns to the camera, smiles slightly and arches an eyebrow.

FLASHEART       Have you considered the possibility that he _wasn't_ a
                Cardigan?  Aside from your dog Garibaldric, nobody else
                has the ability to shapeshift like you said he did.

BLACKADDER      He didn't actually _shapeshift_ as such.  When I had him
                in a headlock --

FLASHEART       Headlock?

BLACKADDER      When I managed to restrain him --

FLASHEART       Restrain?

BLACKADDER      All right, while he was kicking the sod out of me, I
                noticed that what my hands felt did not correspond to
                what I saw. I believe that our friend had a personal
                holographic projection field in his belt-buckle.

FLASHEART       But was he a real Cardigan at the end?

BLACKADDER      That's what I hope George can tell us.

George enters.

GEORGE          Someone mention my name?

BLACKADDER      Only in contempt, I assure you.

GEORGE          Good one, Constable.  You're in rare form today!

BLACKADDER      George, don't call me Cons-

FLASHEART       Constable?  I like it.  It fits you, Blackadder.
                Pompous, but with just a _hint_ of oily.

BLACKADDER      Like 'Commander' fits you?

FLASHEART       _What_?!

BLACKADDER      I said, 'Like Commander Fitzhume'.

GEORGE          That old nebula-head?  Talk about a scientist!  He
                distills his own alcohol!  It's a riot!

BLACKADDER      What did you find from the autopsy of the terrorist?

GEORGE          Autopsy?  Oh, right.  Couldn't do one.  A couple of
                Cardigans arrived at the station and claimed the body.

FLASHEART       Oh god, I'm dead.  Roasted.  On a spit, with low-cal
                barbecue sauce.

BLACKADDER      And you _let_ them take it?

GEORGE          They said they were relatives.  They were _crying_, their
                mascara was running.  If I hadn't, I would have felt a total
                heartless bastard.

FLASHEART       _BE_ a heartless bastard!  The person who assigned you here
                was!

BLACKADDER      George, you're not a heartless bastard.

GEORGE          Thank you, Edmund.  That means a lot coming from you.

BLACKADDER      You're a brainless prat!

INT. BLACKADDER'S OFFICE -- AFTERNOON

Blackadder's office.  Blackadder is looking over computer records and
jotting some notes on a pad.  Cmdr. Flasheart rings up on the viewscreen.

FLASHEART       Anything yet?

BLACKADDER      Nothing, sir.  I'm still checking the station logs.

FLASHEART       Lemme know the instant you find anything.  Geez, my
                eye is swelling --

BLACKADDER      (Presses 'off' button) You should get it looked at.

VO:COMPUTER     Communication ended.  Advisory:  --

BLACKADDER      Computer, thank you.  Interference with station
                rotation.  Malicious use of a pine scent.  A Cardigan
                who's a criminal who may not be a Cardigan and who
                is definitely no longer here.  (Picks up Deluxx's
                card)  Who blew up an entire solar system when the
                orbit of one of the planets they colonized was found
                to be erratic?

Ambassador G'Whiz enters.

G'WHIZ          PeptoBISmol to you, Constable.

BLACKADDER      And you, Ambassador.

G'WHIZ          Quite a LOT of acTIVity these past couple of days.
                My GOVernment is somewhat conCERned about the safety
                of its deleGAtion.  I assured them that Constable BLACK-
                adder is at the table and heartilly DIGging into the
                PROBlem.

BLACKADDER      Your culinary metaphors are most -- culinary, Ambassador.

G'WHIZ          You FLATter me, sir.  I'm considered quite the ORDinary
                eloCUTionist back home.

BLACKADDER      Really?  If that's the case, then remind me never to
                take in one of your vidcast football games.

G'WHIZ          Your compliment has distracted me from my business here.
                Have you identified the culprits yet?

BLACKADDER      Culprits?

G'Whiz realizes he has given something away and is clearly caught off guard.

G'WHIZ          ...Or culprit.  I expect that when you find the
                perpetrator -- or perpetrators -- of these dastardly
                deeds, UNPLUG's space fleet will flow like ACid into
                the field of battle and utterly diGEST the enemy.
                It will be GLORious!

Blackadder, suspicious, decides to lead G'Whiz on.

BLACKADDER      Well, we're _very_ close to finding -- the culprits.

G'WHIZ          Remember, Constable, the Yarn Republic has been
                a close friend and ally of UNPLUG for all of our
                brief existence.  We Yarn have never attempted
                to pull the wool over your eyes.

BLACKADDER      Very droll, ambassador.

G'WHIZ          Rest assured, UNPLUG won't be dining alone.  The
                Yarn will be at your side to make a meal of the enemy!

BLACKADDER      I'll make sure that the Commander is made aware of
                your support.

G'WHIZ          I AM most GRATified.  I must be off -- yet another
                mealtime, you know.  CHARmin, Constable!

Ambassador G'Whiz leaves.

BLACKADDER      And a big flush to you, too, Ambassador...  Hmmm...
                Could the Yarn be the thread running through all
                of this?

Blackadder realizes what he just said and makes a medicine face.
He swivels around in his chair to watch his 3x4-screen video-wall.
He notices a Pejorative news program on screen 5.

BLACKADDER      Computer, display subscreen 5 on main viewer,
                with audio.

Onscreen, the Pejorative Guy Pacman is leaving the main Pejorative temple,
chased by a mob of obnoxious reporters and camera operators.

VO:NEWSREADER   -- religious leader Guy Pacman, forced into retirement
                last week due to a scandal involving the Holy Sock of
                Pejor, came back today to clean out his confessional.

GUY PACMAN      I didn't steal the Sock of the Souls.  I -- I _borrowed_
                it, yeah, that's the ticket.  I'm the -- I'm the one destined
                to remove and return the Holy Sock.  Yeah, that's it, I'm
                the Emi--

VO:NEWSREADER   As you may remember, the Guy was caught attempting to
                sell the Sock, the most holy artifact in Pejorative
                religion, to some Orlon buyers.  After returning the
                Sock to its rightful place in the Holy Closet, the
                Council of Elders demanded his resignation.  The new
                Guy, Guy Edna, was anointed by the Council yesterday
                and will hold her first Sock Service tomorrow.

Onscreen, close up of purple, glittery sock with a hole in the toe,
encased in a high-security art-museum-style display.

BLACKADDER      Hangonaminnit!  _I_ have a sock _just_like_that_ in
                my drawer!  I _thought_ it was odd that I actually
                retrieved _more_ socks from the clothes dryer than
                I put in.

The viewscreen rings.  Blackadder pushes the 'answer' button and Major
Tuud's image pops up on the viewscreen.

TUUD            Blackadder, the Orlon ambassador is requesting clearance
                to dock and come aboard, and, as usual, we got no advance
                notice.

BLACKADDER      On my way.

Blackadder presses the button again and the viewscreen returns to the
previous pictures.

BLACKADDER      No bloody word --

VO:COMPUTER     A message from UNPLUG Central Command has just arrived.
                Shall I display it?

BLACKADDER      Ah, that'll be the advance notice.  Computer, subject?

VO:COMPUTER     The ambassador from the Orlon Collection will be
                arriving --

BLACKADDER      Computer, I'll read it later.  You'd think that someone
                would have figured out by now that ships travelling
                faster than light travel faster than messages
                travelling _at_ lightspeed, but that's too abstract
                a concept for our glorious leaders.

VO:COMPUTER     This unit does not 'think', per se--

BLACKADDER      Computer, I wasn't talking to you, and I know you can't
                think -- if you could, you certainly wouldn't be here.
                So shut up.

INT. AVALON AIRLOCK WAITING LOUNGE -- A FEW MINUTES LATER

Airlock waiting lounge.  Tuud, Nobrain, George, Garibaldric,
Lt. Duk, G'Whiz, Deluxx and various base staff and visitors
are milling around, waiting for the airlock to open.

Blackadder enters.

VO:COMPUTER     Attention.  The Orlon vessel 'Fire Engine Red with Really
                Bold Yellow Stripes Along the Sides' has docked.  Please
                stand well clear of the airlock.  Message ends.

G'WHIZ          You know, those ORlons have a very alien way of referring
                to things.  EVERYthing has to be some kind of _COLOR_!

BLACKADDER      I suppose the Orlons don't view reality as merely black and
                white, Ambassador?

Everybody laughs at Blackadder's joke.

G'WHIZ          Ahhh, Constable, once again you reGALE us with a little
                SNACK of your STEAK knife-sharp WIT!  You are _much_ too
                clever by half for this little outpost!

BLACKADDER      (Half to himself)  Tell me something I _don't_ know.

Cmdr. Flasheart arrives, out of breath and twitching something awful.

FLASHEART       All right, people, line up over here next to me.  Look sharp.
                Remember, Orlons evolved from insects. They are still
                notorious anal-retentives with a protocol fetish --

BLACKADDER      Like you, sir?

Flasheart glares at Blackadder momentarily and continues.

FLASHEART       -- so don't deviate from our standard greeting
                procedures, okay?

The staff members nod and mumble affirmations.

FLASHEART       _Okay?_

STAFF (in unison)
                Yes, sir.

The officers form a review line; G'Whiz and Deluxx stand opposite.  Everyone
else clears away from the airlock.

VO:COMPUTER     Announcing the arrival of Light Mauve, Ambassador from
                the Orlon Collection.

The airlock opens, and the ambassador, encased in an Orlon encounter suit
and looking like a Dalek with Darth Vader's helmet attached on top, rolls
out of the airlock and onto the deck.  He stops next to Flasheart, and
Mauve's top half does a 90-degree turn to face him.  A Steven Hawking-
style electronically synthesized voice, devoid of inflection (hence the
need to verbalize all punctuation) emanates from an integral speaker.

MAUVE           I AM LIGHT MAUVE -- AMBASSADOR FROM THE ORLON --
                COLLECTION -- HERE ARE MY CREDENTIALS

A small door opens in the middle of the suit, and a small cassette pops
out.  Flasheart takes it.

FLASHEART       On behalf of UNPLUG, welcome aboard AVALON 59.  Allow me
                to introduce my staff.

Flasheart and Mauve proceed down the line, first to Tuud.

FLASHEART       I present First Officer Major Adi Tuud, from Pejor.

Tuud always says 'Hello' in an exaggerated way.

TUUD            Hhhellllloo.

MAUVE           QUESTION A PEJORATIVE FIRST OFFICER QUESTION --
                HOW INTRIGUING

They move on to George.

FLASHEART       Chief Medical Officer George Cremator, from Earth.

MAUVE           CREMATOR -- QUESTION AS IN QUOTE TO CREMATE QUOTE QUESTION

They move on to Blackadder.

FLASHEART       Our chief of security, Edmund Blackadder.

MAUVE           (Unintelligible sounds, ostensibly unfiltered Orlon
                speech)

Flasheart is puzzled by Mauve's apparent hearing problem.

FLASHEART       Ahem.  Edmund Blackadder, security chief.

Mauve turns to Flasheart.

MAUVE           EXCLAMATION HOW DARE YOU INSULT AN AMBASSADOR OF THE
                GLORIOUS ORLON COLLECTION EXCLAMATION

FLASHEART       What did I say?

MAUVE           YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT YOU SAID -- I SHALL RETURN TO MY
                SHIP AND CONSULT WITH MY GOVERNMENT REGARDING OUR
                RESPONSE (Click, unintelligible Orlon speech)

Mauve turns about and rolls back through the airlock.  Flasheart freaks.

FLASHEART       What did I say?  Could someone explain to me what just
                happened?  I can feel it -- I'm breaking out in a --

G'WHIZ          Well, comMANder, I think I can shed some light on this
                DARK subject.  You see, the ORlons' native tongue appears
                to involve color.  As I underSTAND it, 'Light' is Light
                Mauve's title, not his first name.  I suspect that
                Orlons find darker colors somewhat ofFENsive.

Hearing G'whiz, Blackadder makes the connection.

BLACKADDER      -- Aaah'ghahd... and the name 'Blackadder' must be, to
                them, the foulest of epithets.  Well, sir, congratulations,
                you just probably called the Ambassador's parentage into
                question, as well as suggested his mother indulged
                in certain unsanitary avocations in which items made of
                latex hold positions of prominence.

FLASHEART       Me?  It was _your_ name, Blackadder.

BLACKADDER      Oh, I see, so it's _my_ fault, is it?

FLASHEART       It's _your_ name!

GEORGE          Now, now, sirs, calm down, it's a mistake _anyone_ could
                have made.

FLASHEART       Good, then _you_ can be the one courtmartialed.

GEORGE          But sir -- (begins to blubber)

FLASHEART       Okay, people, meeting, my conference room, ten minutes.
                And, George, wipe your nose and bring some Aldebaran
                skyscraper-beast tranquilizer with you.  My whole left
                side is beginning to cramp up again, and I've developed
                a tolerance to Val-Select.

INT. AVALON CONTROL

Tuud, Nobrain and Duk are at their posistions.  George, Garibaldric
and Blackadder are milling around in back, waiting for Flasheart.

BLACKADDER      George, how long will it take for him to come round?

George studies his watch.

GEORGE          Oh, just...about...-now-.

Commander Flasheart gets up off the (offscreen) floor and stands up between
George and Blackadder.  He's just a bit unsteady for a few moments, but
gradually regains his composure.

FLASHEART       Thanks, George, I feel much better now.

GEORGE          (To Blackadder) I really _know_ my Aldeberan
                tranquilizers, Constable.

BLACKADDER      Hmm, I see.  You know _one_ thing really well.   That makes
                you either an _idiot_savant_, or Kentucky Fried Chicken.

FLASHEART       Okay, people, let's figure out how to get me -- ourselves
                out of this mess --

The technician monitoring the base sensor array interrupts with a
message for Tuud.

TECHNICIAN      Major, I'm reading five, no, seven, no... three
                _hundred_ blips.

TUUD            Switching to visual...

The viewscreen shows several hundred Orlon craft of all different
sizes heading toward the station.  Orlon spacecraft look like large
mechanical bees with solar panels for wings.

TUUD            Oh, spock, it's the Orlon Collection and I don't think
                they're here to make a fashion statement!

FADE OUT.

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                  ACT IV

INT. AVALON CONTROL

The viewscreen shows several hundred Orlon craft of all different
sizes heading toward the station.  Orlon spacecraft look like large
mechanical bees with solar panels for wings.

TUUD            Oh, spock, it's the Orlon Collection and I don't think
                they're here to make a fashion statement!

FLASHEART       Go to maximum alert.  Shields up!

All the technicians reach under their station desks and pull out
crude metal shields resembling Roman armor and hold them over their
heads with one hand.  Garibaldric opens up a ratty umbrella and
cowers under it.

FLASHEART       Not _those_ shields!  The base shields!

NOBRAIN         Ummm, sir, we don't _have_ any shields.

FLASHEART       _Why_not_?

BLACKADDER      They were cut from the construction budget.

GEORGE          I remember that.  It was either the shields, or
                food replicators.

FLASHEART       But I thought we didn't _have_ food replicators.

GEORGE          UNPLUG decided that if we could choose between the
                two, then we probably didn't need either.  But,
                we did get some _smashing_ artwork and self-help
                vids, crew morale and self-esteem being such an
                absolute priority and all.

FLASHEART       Sounds like UNPLUG logic to me.

VO:ORLON CMDR   THIS IS THE ORLON LEAD BATTLE CARRIER 'STOP-LIGHT
                RED WITH FLASHING AMBER WARNING LIGHTS' -- PREPARE
                TO BE DESTROYED

FLASHEART       Major, lemme talk to them.  Ahem.  This is Francis
                X. Flasheart, commander of this SpaceBase.  Ummm,
                don't we get an opportunity to surrender or something?

VO:ORLON CMDR   WE HAVE NO USE FOR YOU OR YOUR BASE -- WE CAME ALL THE
                WAY FROM OUR HOME HIVE PLANET EXPECTING TO BLOW UP
                SOMETHING REALLY BIG AND WE ARE NOT LEAVING UNTIL WE
                BLOW UP SOMETHING REALLY BIG

FLASHEART       Ah, I see.  Well, can't we at least have time to
                make spiritual preparations?

VO:ORLON CMDR   YOU HAVE ONE OF YOUR HOURS TO ENGAGE IN POINTLESS
                REPRODUCTIVE ACTIVITY WITH CONSENTING LIFEFORMS
                WITHIN YOUR REACH

Flasheart makes a motion to Tuud to turn off the mike.

FLASHEART       Ensign, contact UNPLUG Central and inform them of our
                situation.  George, round up the ambassadors and
                brief them on the situation.  Chief, see if you can
                build a makeshift force shield projector out of the
                station's Pejorative TV antenna --

BLACKADDER      (To himself)  They really _are_ anal-retentive if
                they insist on blowing up the station.

Blackadder has an epiphany.

BLACKADDER      That's it!  The Orlons blew up the planet when
                its orbit was unstable.  They live in dank, stuffy
                underground hives, so they would find fresh smells
                painful, and a _pine_scent_ would be positively
                _fatal_.  They're trying to provoke us into war,
                with the Yarn carrying out copycat acts to fan
                the flame so that they can get the chance to prove
                what great allies they are!  And, what all their feeble
                attempts at sabotage failed to do, the mere utterance
                of my accursed family name accomplished.  (Sigh) I'm
                going to be blown into little bits because there's not
                enough emergency quiche to go around.

Deluxx, having caught Blackadder's soliloquy by standing quietly behind
him, moves forward and whispers in his ear.

DELUXX          Psst!  Ten out of ten.  We have to leave -- now!

BLACKADDER      I can't leave now!  I'll be _shot_!

DELUXX          You'd rather be blown up?  Tell the commander you have
                to go down to Pejor and get the Guy to mediate.  He's so
                distracted, he won't even notice that we could just as
                easily contact her from here.

Blackadder ponders her suggestion for just a tick.

BLACKADDER      -- You're _brilliant_!  Even if we fail, I still
                won't end up as blackened Blackadder crisps.
                (To Flasheart)  Commander, I'm going down to Pejor to
                get the Guy to mediate.

FLASHEART       -- umm, okay  --

BLACKADDER      (Surprised)  And, additionally, sir, I'd like to
                castrate you with a pair of dull, rusty scissors
                and cauterize the resulting wound with a white-hot
                plate of Mexican food, fresh from the kitchen.

FLASHEART       -- sure, whatever --

BLACKADDER      He really _is_ distracted!  Let's go!

EXT. SPACE -- PEJOR

Establishing shot, linking to...

INT. PEJOR -- FIRST CATHEDRAL -- A SHORT TIME LATER

Main chamber of the First Cathedral of the Sock of Souls on Pejor.
A staircase spirals upward to a majestic double-door on the back
wall.  Blackadder, carrying his extra sock, and Deluxx enter.

BLACKADDER      So, will you tell me _now_ why you made me take
                the sock?

DELUXX          The Orlons prize its smell, and somehow they found
                out we have it.

BLACKADDER      They prize its smell?  In that case, I'm surprised
                they didn't threaten to blow up the entire quadrant
                unless we handed over Garibaldric!

DELUXX          It's also the only way we can elicit the Guy's
                cooperation.

BLACKADDER      Oh, I see.  'Excuse me, your holiness, but we
                brought you a really _smashing_ smelly sock with
                this really _huge_ hole, so now you're obligated
                to help us.'  Lock us up in the Pejorative loony
                bin, more likely.  Imagine, stuck in a room with
                five hundred ravers all called 'Mad Gerald'.

DELUXX          Edmund!  That sock isn't just _any_ sock -- it's the
                _real_ Sock of the Souls.

BLACKADDER      No it isn't, I saw the vid about the previous Guy
                who stole it.

DELUXX          No, he stole and returned the _fake_ one we put
                in its place.

BLACKADDER      We?  You and who else?

DELUXX          You, of course, silly.

BLACKADDER      Pardon me, but I think I'd remember stealing the
                most holy of holies from the planet of the people
                with the short fuses and the long memories.  And
                even if I didn't, _they_ would!

Deluxx turns around, facing Blackadder.

DELUXX          No, you wouldn't.  That's the blank spot in your
                memory.  So no one would suspect you.  Well, almost
                no one --

BLACKADDER      -- You mean _YOU_ erased my memory --

DELUXX          I would _never_ do anything that wasn't in your
                best interest, Edmund.

BLACKADDER      How would I know -- you could wipe my memory!

DELUXX          There are telepaths _everywhere_.  They can't read
                Cardigans, but Earthmen are as transparent as -- you
                know, that little outfit I wear sometimes --

BLACKADDER      You mean you wiped my memory because my brain has
                holes for the naughty bits to stick out?

DELUXX          Sometimes you have such a _crude_ way of putting
                things.

BLACKADDER      Oh, and it's _not_crude_ when you scream 'I'm a hot
                roasting turkey, baste me!' at the top of your lungs?

DELUXX          Ssshh!  We must summon the Guy.

Deluxx pulls a velvet rope which rings a bell.  The double doors
swing open and Guy Edna walks out and descends the staircase (to
Dame Edna's 'Niceness' theme)

EDNA            Hulloooo, Posssuuums!  Let me guess, you've come
                to confess -- your adulation for a poor old religious
                mega-icon like m'self?  Or, have you come to get
                bonded and stop living in sin?  Y'know, I used to
                live in sin.  Terrible place, near Esher.

DELUXX          Your eminence, we need your help, and we've brought
                an offering to persuade you of our sincerity.

EDNA            Oh, you've brought me flowers?

DELUXX          Better than flowers.  Edmund, the sock.

Blackadder hands the sock to Guy Edna.

DELUXX          We present you with the Sock of the Souls.

EDNA            Now, you wouldn't be trying to pull my leg, would you?

DELUXX          No, it is the _real_ Sock.

EDNA            (In her patented patronizing tone of voice) How nice.
                Now, I'm _sure_ you believe it's the real Sock,
                but I must tell you, I get several _hundred_ socks
                every day from people _just_like_you_. Donee, show our
                visitors the socks!

Upstairs, Donee carries out a huge basket of socks.  He stands at the top
of the staircase, about to take them down when a trap door opens beneath
him and he falls into a fountain below.

EDNA            Oh dear, he seems to have triggered one of the
                booby traps.  I'm so sorry you had to see that.
                You know, there are always groupies and hangers-on,
                and we _can't_ be _too_ careful.  That's why I have
                all kinds of technology at my disposal to protect me
                from (wide, warm smile) _you_, my adoring fans.
                In any case, you can pick up an eight-by-ten
                3-d autographed glossy of me in the lobby on your
                way out.  Thank you for stopping by --

DELUXX          Wait, isn't there some _test_ which will prove that
                that is the real sock?

EDNA            Well, I suppose we can try it.  You, (to Edmund)
                stick your hand down here --

BLACKADDER      I beg your pardon?

EDNA            The sock, man, the sock!

Blackadder stuffs his hand into the sock.

INT.  AVALON CONTROL

GARIBALDRIC     Dr. George, I'm scared.

GEORGE          I know how you feel.

GARIBALDRIC     What about the commander?  He doesn't look
                scared.

Both look down.

GEORGE          No, I suppose he looks...well, passed out, actually.

VO:ORLON CMDR   YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES.

TUUD            Hey, guys, has he recovered from the tranquilizer?

GEORGE          Ah, umm, not yet, Major.

TUUD            Figures.  Chief, any luck on the force field?

Nobrain is literally engulfed in wires.

NOBRAIN         What do _you_ think?

TUUD            Of course.

Tuud walks over to her station, and pulls out a beautiful case, out
of which she pulls a nasty-looking old Earth gun.

TUUD            Open a channel to the Orlons.

Tuud holds up the gun to the camera.

TUUD            Orlon commander, see this?  It's a Colt 45.  It'll
                blow a hole _clean_through_ a person.  If you don't
                back off, I'm going to kill _everybody_ here and
                blow up the station.  I'll deny you the opportunity
                to do it yourselves.

VO:ORLON CMDR   YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT

TUUD            Oh, I'm sure that no one from UNPLUG would do it.
                But I'm just a poor, obnoxious Pejorative, and I'm
                used to doing crazy and hopeless things to get
                attention.

VO:ORLON CMDR   YOU ARE BLUFFING

TUUD            Well, the question you have to ask yourself is,
                'Do you feel lucky'?  Well, do you, Commander?

Tuud smiles and rubs the side of the gun softly against her cheek.
She turns to find everyone else in Control cowering in a corner --
except, of course, the unconscious Flasheart.

INT. PEJOR -- FIRST CATHEDRAL

EDNA            Now stick your fingers out of the hole.

BLACKADDER      I am!  But I don't see them poking out!

DELUXX          Of course -- a sockhole into another dimension!

EDNA            Well, I'll be an overexposed megastar -- it _is_
                the _real_ sock!

Edna grabs Blackadder's earlobe.

EDNA            Be still, I want to feel your lifeforce -- your 'Pyoochhh'.

BLACKADDER      Sounds like you're coughing up a hairball.

EDNA            Oh!  Such a clean earlobe, so easy to read, too.
                Of course!  The Emissionary!

Edna lets go.

BLACKADDER      That's what the Cardigan terrorist called me --

EDNA            The Emissionary is prophesied of in our holy documents.
                Well, in the 'Reader's Digest' version, anyway.  You
                were _destined_ to steal it -- to safeguard it for a
                time -- and now, to discover its power and return it to
                us.  Take yer hand out of the sock.

A couple of voices emanate from inside the sock.

VOICE 1         Anybody want to play a game of baseball?

VOICE 2         If you build it, they will come.

Edna turns to the camera and screws up her mouth in her trademark
confused/repulsed expression.

INT. AVALON CONTROL -- A SHORT TIME LATER

Blackadder, Deluxx and Edna rush into Control.  The rest of the staff,
Ambassador G'Whiz and Ambassador Light Mauve are already there,
laughing and partying.

BLACKADDER      What's going on?

G'WHIZ          Ah, PeptoBISmol, Constable.  You missed all the
                FUN.

MAUVE           WHILE YOU WERE GONE -- THE ORLON COLLECTION WAS
                AMBUSHED BY THE YARN REPUBLIC -- BOTH SIDES INCURRED
                MAJOR LOSSES BUT UNPLUG OFFERED REBUILDING
                ASSISTANCE --

G'WHIZ          So we all signed a peace accord --

BLACKADDER      -- with UNPLUG giving great choking wads of cash and
                supplies to both sides to rebuild.

MAUVE           EXACTLY

BLACKADDER      That's what this whole thing was, all along.  The Yarn
                and the Orlons were bored, and you hatched a plot to
                coerce UNPLUG into doling out foreign aid.  I just
                have one question.

FLASHEART       What is it?

BLACKADDER      Where's my cut?

Everybody laughs and George hands Blackadder a couple of bars of
precious metal.

BLACKADDER      Ahh, goldless pratinum.  The single easiest way to
                legally extort cash out of UNPLUG Central and I didn't
                think of it.  My dear Deluxx, I must be losing my wits.

DELUXX          Why don't we go back to my quarters and let me help
                you find them?

BLACKADDER      Ummmm, okay.

FADE OUT.

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                  THE END
