        ROTFL Digest!       Volume 2, Issue 11        January 1996
                       You deserve a laugh today!
                    Published by Access Media Systems
     Voice: 905-847-7143 Fax: 905-847-7362 Email: sandyi@pathcom.com
       Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes
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 NEW! Check out the ROTFL homepage at: http://www.pathcom.com/~sandyi
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        Contents:

        Editorial
        Likely Stories!
        Christmas Anachronistic
        How To Tell If Someone Is A Supermodel
        The Psycho Friends Network
        Top Ten Things You Don't Ever Want A Judge To Say To You
        Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!
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Editorial

It's a new year and I'm still looking for new jokes and funny stories!
You can win, win, win dumb prizes!
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     All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original
     material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will
     be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.

     ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it
     remains unaltered in any way.

     Email:   sandy.illes@canrem.com  or sandyi@pathcom.com
     Netmail: Sandy Illes 1:250/710

     All submissions become the property of Access Media Systems
     only for purposes of publication in ROTFL Digest. The author
     retains all copyrights eternally for any other purpose.

     ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes
     without the express written consent of the publishers.

     Material reposted from ROTFL Digest MUST be credited.
     Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of
     our fists.
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        LIKELY STORIES

        READING AND RITING

        Toronto, Ont. - Bernard Klieb, 79, was written a
        prescription for imferon to treat an iron deficiency
        in his blood but, because of his doctor's sloppy
        penmanship, was given interferon, a leukemia drug.
        An inquest jury found that probably played a major
        role in bringing on the man's heart attack. And here
        we thought bad writing was a requirement for medical
        school.

        BIG BUSINESS TAKES THE MONEY AND RUNS

        Toronto, Ont. - Metropolitan Life insurance refused to pay
        Danielle Thomas $50,000 life insurance benefits because
        her husband, who was murdered as an innocent bystander of
        a crime, failed to report a heart attack he'd had five
        years earlier.

        WHO'D EVEN BELIEVE IT?

        Los Angeles, Calif. - Barry Briskman, 59, who posed as a
        space alien recruiting girls for a utopian society headed
        by Queen Hiternia in a faraway galaxy, received a 20-year
        sentence for molesting two 13-year-olds.

        EXCUSES, EXCUSES!

        Ontario, Canada - Motorists are coming up with new excuses
        for their speeding. Recently, one man who was stopped while
        doing 130 km/h on the 401 said he had to speed because his
        wife was allergic to trucks. Another motorist caught doing
        150 km/h said he couldn't possibly be going that fast
        because his cruise control was set at 130 km/h.

        WHAT'S IN A NAME?

        South China Sea - A cargo ship which was boarded by pirates
        was called the Lucky Trader. The thieves stole 7,400 cases
        of cigarettes. That must have been some nicotine fit, eh?

        AND IT TOOK 13 YEARS TO FIND THIS OUT?

        Scarborough, Ont. - Pauline Gonyea, 38, has been charged
        with defrauding the Ontario Ministry of Community and
        Social Services of $113,254.39 over a 13-year period.
        It's that 39 cents that's the real killer.

        IGNORANCE OF THE LAWS OF BIOLOGY

        North Carolina - Representative Henry Aldridge, 71, told the
        North Carolina House Appropriations Committee that rape
        victims don't need funding for abortions because "they don't
        get pregnant." Stuffing his foot further into his mouth,
        Aldridge continued, "People who are raped - who are truly
        raped - the juices don't flow, the body functions don't work."

        CANADIAN CROOKS DON'T NEED GUNS

        Toronto, Ont. - An unidentified man held up a branch of the
        Royal Bank with a syringe. The man approached the teller
        with a holdup note, showed the syringe under his jacket, and
        demanded money.

        "AND IF YOU BELIEVE THIS ONE, JUDGE, I HAVE A BRIDGE I CAN
        SELL YOU CHEAP..."

        Toronto, Ont. - Somali refugee Mohamed Gure told a judge he
        thought he was entitled to welfare because he was a refugee,
        even though he had a full-time job when he collected $9,368
        from the government. Gure was jailed for 6 months and
        ordered to make restitution.

        WHERE'S PERRY MASON WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

        Mississauga, Ont. - 11-year-old Stephanie Salvador is suing
        Hostess Frito-Lay for $6,000 over Ruffles potato chip bags
        she says were empty. She had originally organized a petition
        and written a letter of complaint to which Hostess Frito-Lay
        replied with an apology and three free coupons for
        grocery-store size potato chips. Stephanie felt the company
        wasn't taking her seriously and filed the lawsuit but
        Hostess Frito-Lay says they never even saw an empty bag.
        Guess they ruffled her feathers.

        MAYBE NORTHWEST SHOULD PUT THESE GUYS ON THE PAYROLL

        Minneapolis, Minn. - A group of drunken British and Irish
        tourists who wreaked havoc on a Northwest Airlines
        flight from London were restrained by U.S. Olympic
        wrestlers and handcuffed to their seats. What are the
        chances of having a U.S. Olympic wrestling team on a
        flight to subdue obnoxous travellers?

        CHARITY GONE WILD

        London, England - The K Foundation charity dumped a
        truckload (6,237 cans) of beer in front of Parliament
        to supply the homeless who hang out in that area
        because liquor outlets were closed for the Christmas
        holiday. The K Foundation creator, Jimmy Cauty, said, "If
        you are down and out, would you rather have a bowl of soup
        or a can of Tennent's lager?" Now, I dunno, but didn't
        drinking contribute to many of those people being homeless
        in the first place?

        BUREAUCRACY AT WORK

        Toronto, Ont. - Cornwall Anthony Francis, 34, had 63
        convictions - 10 of which were for assaulting officers -
        yet beat deportation to Jamaica when he was granted a
        five-year stay by the Canadian Immigration and Refugee
        Board. Board member Rosemary Muzzi ruled Francis had been
        rehabilitated and was supported by family members. A day
        after being released, Francis was charged with assaulting
        police, assault with intent to resist arrest, and
        obstructing justice. Well, duh!

        AUTO-NOTIONS

        Maureen Kempston Darkes, president of General Motors of
        Canada was worried about weak auto sales and told
        reporters, "We are focused on, how do you make cars and
        trucks more affordable?" Hey, I have an idea! They could
        lower the price!

        Meanwhile, Ford of Canada recalled 248,000 cars and trucks
        because the ignition switches could start fires. This at the
        same time that the cigarette lighter became an option.

        BREAK OUT THE PAMPERS

        London, England - Rosanna Della Corte, 63, who had a baby
        boy in July 1994 at the age of 62, is planning to have
        another baby when she is 64. The birth was supervised by
        Dr. Severino Antinori of Rome, who arranged the artificial
        insemination with Della Corte's husband's sperm and a
        donor's egg. Sheesh! By the time the kid is out of diapers,
        he'll be just in time to start changing his mom's diapers.

        POLLY WANT A COPPER

        Rome, Italy - Italian customs officials seized 32 rare
        parrots valued at $14,000 CDN each at Rome airport after
        they heard squawking from luggage belonging to two
        Nigerian women. The birds, Psittacus Erithacus, were real
        stool pigeons, eh?

        CANADA: LAND OF WELFARE OPPORTUNITIES

        Toronto, Ont. - Sakia Mojadiddi, a 38-year-old Afghanistan
        refugee claimant with two new vehicles and a four-bedroom,
        2000-square-foot, ravine lot home was arrested in a $50,000
        welfare fraud. And that, my friends, is why Canadians have
        to work until July to pay their taxes.

        THE SCARIEST DENTIST IN THE WHOLE WORLD

        Baltimore, Maryland - 47-year-old dentist Sandy Cook is
        the singing dentist. He has dressed as a chicken to drill
        teeth while singing, "Oh, I'm puttin' all my eggs in one
        basket," donned a gray wig and bandanna to belt out
        Willie Nelson tunes, and has auditioned for a potential
        patient with a James Taylor song. Geez, I'd pay my
        dentist extra not to sing!

        AND HOW MUCH AM I BID FOR THIS MCDONALD'S FRENCH FRY?

        Rangoon, Burma - Rewards are offered by Burma's military
        rulers to those who report on people teaching western
        dance, organizing rowdy birthday parties, or going wild
        in sing-along bars. The government is fighting what they
        call 'decadent alien culture.'

        "EWWW... MY FEET ARE STUCK TO THE ROAD"

        Rangoon, Burma - To help keep spit off the streets, the
        sale of betel chaws, a popular mild stimulant, is being
        banned in six central Rangoon townships. A spokesman
        for the Rangoon City Development Committee said, "Betel
        chewers are tarnishing the beauty of the capital by
        spitting unscrupulously on roads, pavements, overpasses
        and at other places."
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CHRISTMAS ANACHRONISTIC
<c>1995 Tony Harris

     There'll always be a time and place for everything in retrospect
 But at the time, and in that place, there are some things we can't neglect

The Christmas tree, with all its glee, stands dumb & silent, uprooted too
And all that heart-felt symbolism, well-meant tyrant, can not break through
Its anachronistic stupidity...
 
                   Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree
                   You stand in mordant booty
               And any good iconoclast would ever so and really
               find it to be such a blast, thankfully and dearly,
                   to have a chance to tear you down
                   to build you up, without the clown's
                    demeanour of such froth & folly -
                    the meaningless drivel that's
                     by no means jolly...

                    If life for us all be one long song,
                         it sometimes changes key
                   And if all things aren't kept in tune,
                          it loses harmony
                 And Triumphant Discord flogs us dead hoarse,
                 as it hides in the shadows, kindling remorse

            The shadows of the merriment of Christmas celebration
       would turn for us a colour-blind eye, at each and every station,
        to the myriad hues of the spectrum of life's many subtleties,
       for in the dark, all cats are grey, at least that's if we please

          Anachronisms can be pleasant, anachronisms can be wrong
          If anachronisms be our present, be mindful of the throng
          of tokenism in our midst - Tokenism of different sorts
    with axes to grind to cut down trees to make Christmas what it ought
         to be, according to them, but never with a thought to when.
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HOW TO TELL IF SOMEONE IS A SUPERMODEL
(c)1996 Mary Stewart

        Every time we change the channel on TV, there's another
        show on about supermodels. What, exactly, is a
        supermodel? And what differentiates a supermodel from
        an ordinary model? More than that, who gets to decide?
        As someone who has watched way too much TV for way too
        many years and is sick to death of seeing some faceless
        woman I've never heard of being touted as a supermodel,
        I think that I should be the person who decides.

        A supermodel should be someone who can leap tall
        buildings in a single bound, be faster than a speeding
        bullet, yet still look marvellous. The effects of
        green kryptonite(tm) on a supermodel would be a foregone
        conclusion and she could not, therefore, date, say,
        Lex Luthor.

        A supermodel would never break a nail stopping a
        speeding train, yet could pout seductively for
        rescue workers who arrive at the scene the proverbial
        few seconds too late.

        The difference between an ordinary model and a
        supermodel is, of course, that ordinary models lack
        super-powers and can do little more than smile
        and prance in an effort to aid world peace. A
        supermodel can kick Bosnia's butt with one arm tied
        behind her back in a Valentino hanky without even
        breaking a sweat.

        Supermodels will have a hideout at the South Pole to
        which they return every few minutes to change into
        yet another fashionable gown. Ordinary models not
        only don't have a hideout, they probably can't even
        change their own clothes.

        So there you have it. The differences between models
        and supermodels are very clear and I hope this
        article has taught you at least one thing: Find out
        if that supermodel is real by testing her with
        green kryptonite(tm), available at Sears, Wal-mart,
        and Home Hardware stores across the country and
        only $29.95 during our winter clearance sale.
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THE PSYCHO FRIENDS NETWORK(TM)
(c)1996 Sandy Illes

        Have you ever wondered what the future holds for you?
        Now you can find out by calling the Psycho Friends
        Network(tm)! Here are just some testimonials from
        our satisfied customers:

        "I called the Psycho Friends Network(tm) and was told
        by my own personal psycho Fernando that there was a
        red car in my future. Only two hours after having made
        the call, I was struck by a red car! More than that,
        it turned out to be driven by Fernando! The Psycho
        Friends Network(tm) doesn't like to be wrong."
        - Mrs. Edna Stoltz in a hospital bed somewhere in Maine

        "When I called the Psycho Friends Network(tm), I was
        in desperate need of money. My personal psycho Nadine
        told me I would come into some money quickly and she
        was right! Later that same day, I successfully robbed
        a bank!"
        - Mr. J.D. hiding out somewhere in Arkansas

        "The Psycho Friends Network(tm) put me on hold for
        3 hours at $4.99 per minute but it was all worthwhile
        when my personal psycho Ramon told me that I would
        see a former loved one and be very satisfied. Less
        than a week later, I ran into Ramon's brother, who
        had jilted me at the altar five years ago, while in
        the knife department of a K-mart. I stabbed him
        several times and he's in intensive care while I'm
        extremely satisfied."
        - Miss P.W. sticking by her alibi that the knife
        slipped from her hands

        "When my personal psycho Martin at the Psycho
        Friends Network(tm) told me that my daughter was
        in grave danger, I had no idea that he would stalk
        and kill her. The Psycho Friends Network(tm) never
        lies."
        - Mrs. Deanna Bland in mourning

        "I didn't believe in psychos until I called the
        Psycho Friends Network(tm) and was told that my
        husband was being unfaithful. It turned out that
        he was having an affair with my personal psycho
        Lola. The Psycho Friends Network(tm) is real."
        - Mrs. Roberta Vindictive in divorce court

        "I called the Psycho Friends Network(tm) when I was
        at a low point in my life. My personal psycho Nico
        told me that things would only get worse with a
        tax audit, a crippling accident, and permanent brain
        damage. Sure enough, the IRS investigated me on Nico's
        tip, a bus driven by Nico hit me and put me in a
        wheelchair, and in the hospital, Nico sneaked up
        behind me and bopped me on the head with a 2x4. This
        psycho stuff is definitely real!"
        - Mr. John Doe trying desperately to remember
        who he is, where he lives, and how to work a wheelchair

        If you want accurate predictions for your future, why
        waste time on psychics? Call the Psycho Friends Network(tm)
        and get the real scoop! Only $4.99 per minute!

        Call 1-976-PSY-CHOS today!
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TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T EVER WANT TO HEAR A JUDGE SAY TO YOU
(c)1996 Sandy Illes

        10. The BMW you said you didn't steal belonged to my wife.
        9.  Aren't you the guy who used to steal my lunch money
            in grade school?
        8.  You're wasting my time trying to enter a plea of not
            guilty.
        7.  I only have an hour so I won't have time to hear all
            the charges against you.
        6.  Did you know the B&E you're charged with happened at
            my house?
        5.  You're wearing my Rolex.
        4.  I'm the one who picked you out of the police lineup.
        3.  Hey, aren't you OJ Simpson?
        2.  Too bad they don't allow the death penalty for stupidity.
        1.  I remember you!
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JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES

 A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said:
  "Anyone want to buy a present?"
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 How can you tell a Jewish household during Christmas?
  Parking meter on the roof.
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Did you hear about the Irish woman whose Doctor told her not to touch
anything alcoholic?
She threw her husband out of the house.
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How can you spot an Irishman in a fancy French restaurant?
He's the one trying to decide what wine goes best with whiskey.
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Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't find his glasses?
He just drank from the bottle.
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These two statues stood in a park for hundreds of years. One day an
angel came to them and said, "I want to give you a special gift. I'm
going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can
do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for
the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling,
laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the
two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male
statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down
and I'll sh*t on its head."
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  Q. Did You Hear That Salman Rushdie Is Publishing His Next Book?
  A. Its Called "Buddha, You Fat F***!"
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  Q. Did You Hear That Princess Grace Was On The Radio?
  A. ...And On The Dash Board, The Steering Wheel, Etc.
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  Q. Did You Hear That Madonna Was Raped Once?
  A. She Didn't Know It Until The Check Bounced.
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  Q. What Do You Call A Mexican With A Vasectomy?
  A. A Dry Martinez.
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  Q. How Many Mexicans Does It Take To Grease A Car?
  A. One If You Hit 'em Right.
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  Q. How Come The Mexican Army Only Used 600 Mexicans At The Alamo?
  A. Because They Only Had 2 Cars.
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