
The Unfinancial User
by Chris Davidson

"You are old father Williams, the young man cried, and your hair
it is turning grey . . . "

I don't know who wrote the original of this. Someone called
Thomas Blakney, I think. Whoever he was, it is his poem that 
seems at this particular instance, to prey upon my mind . .   

Prey is not actually a good description. It is more like
something teetering around in my mind, somewhat like a young
lady trying out her first set of high heels and probably just as
comfortable . . . 

Why am I thinking of this you ask?, Good question. Actually it
is because of a user, a nerd, and a juvenile one at that . . .
This is the reason for all my consternation and self doubts, as
to why, it is because he has touched upon a subject that I
normally avoid.

I, with all my accumulated knowledge at this present moment, am
feeling . . .  dare I say it, have to admit I am getting OLD!  It 
is not so much that  I am old that annoys me, its the insinuation
that I am and I quote 'ANCIENT.' 

How did it start, what brought it on? Quite simple, a user
logging onto my BBS and me being stupid, answering a Sysop page
call . . . 

<sirens blare> (well they do if you run PCBoard correctly)

Hello this is the Sysop, how may I help you? (I have a polite
tone to my page calls, comes with age). 

"Ummm..giday (this nerd can't even spell correctly), how's it
going? 

Okay. Can I help you with something? 

Yes, why can't I download the latest copy of DOOM? 

Please hold while I check <madly shell to PCBoard System
manager>, darn this bloke is non-financial and has a status
level equivalent to an amoeba and he expects download status .
. . fat chance! 

<Politely> Sorry but as an unfinancial user you cannot download
any files. 

What a bummer . . .  

Yes well them's the breaks . . .  

Yes, umm how bout I have a temp priviledge level just this
wunce? 

<Get stuffed> under my breath . . .  Sorry, it's not possible. 

Puleeeese? <this whining, lapdog approach isn't gunna get you
any where! 

Sorry. 

Do you go to Uni? 

No. 

Rats, wuz gunna give you some hints on the up coming exams!  Who
are you? 

The sysop! 

Oh, you're the old bloke who runs the BBS . . . ? 

<Old, old . . .  ever so slightly the blood pressure begins to
boil.> Just what do you mean by old? 

Well. your about 28 or sumpin aren't you? 

No slightly older <the blood pressure goes up another notch> 

Umm how old are you?  

It is here I could do my Zsa Zsa Gabor impersonation and say that,
contrary to media speculation, I am a mere 30!  But being old and
wise <a fact I will come to regret later> I say proudly, no a bit
older than that!  

Umm you mean you are older than 28?  mibbe 30 sumpin, wun of them
wrinklies! 

<I am now at a loss for words.  What is a wrinkly, how old is a
wrinkly?)  <I decide to battle on>. . .Try adding a few years. 

Older'n 30? 

Yes <defiantly> 

40? 

Older! <The chest suddenly thrusts itself forward, leaving me
temporarily out of breath, but I make it> 

How old are you? <This is said with a certain amount of respect
at this  point, but soon it will degenerate into something
totally different.>

Around 50 <give or take a few months, but who's counting> 

Reeeeeeely no kidding, that old? 

Yes, Why? 

Shouldn't you be in bed or sumpin?  I mean thats ancient man!

<Ever so slightly a China Syndrome begins to build itself within
my bosom.  When you get to my age, it is common to find that men 
do tend to develop bosoms.> 

No I should not be in bed,  and what has my age got to do with
anything? What the hell is it you want? 

How kum you no so much about computers?  They wasn't invented
when you were a kid! <uuh ohh, come in sucker> 

What! course they were, we just didn't use them as much. 

You guys didn't have any PC's when you wuz kids!  My dad say's
you used sumpin called an abakus!

<Suddenly, the chaos at Chernobyl seems miniscule compared to
what is happening to my blood pressure> Look geek! <vehmence>
I will have you know they had computers in my day. We just
didn't have personal computers. 

Booooooll sheet! the PC wasn't even invented when you wuz a kid!

<Suddenly the pounding in my head becomes intolerable. Quickly I
try to shove one of the little blue pills my local MD gave me to
reduce the pressure in my cholesterol choked veins, down to the
back of my throat>

I betcha you wuz peepin over Charles Babbages shoulder when they
invented computers . . . <g>

Funny bugger! <The blue pill manages to lodge itself not where
it is  supposed to, but between the last of my two remaining
molars . . .   I close my mouth. A bitter tasting concoction
fills my olfactory system which adds to my rising anger.> His
comment about ancient, combined with the bitter taste of the
junk enclosed in the blue pill causes me to grimace more than is
usual.

CRACK!

I release my grip on the mouse I was holding for succour, it
disintegrates into a thousand pieces, without a whimper, or a
squeak!  I attempt to type  a message which should have said
"LISTEN YOU!' but I hit the keyboard too hard and the plastic
top on the letter 'L' goes sailing across the room  to be lost
among the rest of the office rubbish.  Bravely I battle on and
hit the keyboard.  With a whimper I shove what is left of the
bleeding stump that was my finger into my mouth.  This guy has
begun to get to me!

Realising I am now sans mouse, sans one digit, I attempt to
restore some credability to the BBS and my standing as a Sysop .
. . this is hard.  It has to be the most ridiculous sight you
could ever see, a Sysop  madly trying to type and avoiding the
missing letter 'L', which makes all your sentences come out
sounding as if you are one of these Japanese TV commercials . .
. oh what a feering 'Toyota'!  John Laws would hate me.

I try to jury rig the mouse...have you ever attempted to push
two wires  around a mouse pad, without balls!  Looks totally
stupid . . . 

Rook you!  I am not ord.  I am a mature computer operator!  Don't 
you forget it ?. . .  if it wasn't for guys rike me you wourn't
have a BBS to carr up.

The residue of the pills start to take effect, all I want to do
at this moment is to lie down somewhere and catch my breath . . . 

Rook! < I start to say, then suffer an instantaneous bout of
altheziemers>

Hello?  Hello you still there Sysop?

Awww gaaawd I mutter to myself . . . mibbe he's right, mibbe I
should  chuck it in . . .                                       {RAH}
--------------
Chris Davidson is the sysop of Images Unlimted in Darwin, Australia.
(3:850/110)  He also is the editor and publisher of _Chips 'n' Bits_,
the Australasian Computer and BBS Users' Magazine.

